Whats Wrong with the World, part II

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Whats Wrong with the World, part II

(part II . entertainment, formats)

God makes mistakes. It's not news, we have known it all along. Of course, people, being the useless blobs of organic-identical fat and artificial colors we have come to know and love (well, maybe not love... tolerate ? On a good day, yes. But good days are rare.) lack the overall cognitive capacity to consistently describe such mistakes, and that in the unlikely event they could keep their eyes focused for long enough to spot a flaw in the universe they would definitely not be able to keep their brain focused long enough to communicate it, let alone fix it forever in the stone tablets of the Internet.

All hope is not lost, however, because superior transcendent beings like myself will condescend to boldly go where no one has gone before, and do all the work for you lazy bums. So, take your notebooks out and get ready to be fed valuable information and considerations of galactic import that you, with your limited horizon will probably try to use to fill in your otherwise limp conversation on dates. It will not work, either, but you will of course disregard both this warning and any semblance of common sense.

Today, we will name the names and point the fingers to what is commonly called “media”, mostly by people who didn't bother to learn any other language besides English, and more specifically to the abomination known as formats (they are evil in the eyes of the Lord).

Formats are the ultimate in applying the idea that what worked before will work again. In and by itself, that is a grand idea. In engineering. In entertainment, its value is significantly watered down by the fact repeating anything is boring, not entertaining. The “creators” of “content” that use formats for their very dubious “creative work” are caught in a dilemma. The less precise and looser the format is, the less it is, in fact, a format, and you are left with all the question and loose ends of having to actually create something. The more precise and definite a format is, the easier for the audience to abstract the format behind what they are watching (in what could be arguably considered a very clear case of copyright infringement, the consumers who have licensed a right to see the show, but not the right to see the format the show is built on, use their brains, inasmuch as they have them, to reconstruct, which is to say reverse engineer, the format based on the show. This is obviously an infringement against the intellectual property rights of the format owners, and it produces them monetary loss in the form of people who have abstracted the format based on shows they have seen not paying to see subsequent shows based on the same format. Thus, the industry would have excellent claim to sue God over the fact that the way brains are designed allows for easy theft of intellectual property, and demand the US Supreme Court to rule that God has either the legal obligation to license all the brains existing in the US with the industry, or not supply them in the US. Apparently, heavenly legal experts lead by the respected Thomas d'Aquinas have already advised that brains should not exist in the US mainland anyway, so this litigation will probably be avoided)

Lets see then some excellent examples of timeless formats out there :
Scooby Doo

There have been perhaps three thousand episodes made. Or rather, I should say the same episode has been made thousands of times. There's a stupid dog that sort of mumbles words, the dog's master, a blond guy and a red haired chick with pubescent breasts that are stuck for what, 40 years now, in this ambiguous “didn't ask her out yet but she's been looking at me in class so I'm definitely going to ask her next weekend” relationship. It's sad. Kiss her already. There's also the rolled collar, glass&freckles face of Wilma. Why is she there ? That question has baffled the best (but inherently limited) human minds for ever since this particular series hit the market. I shall reveal the answer to you, in my mercy. The authors were just trying to be friendly to dykes everywhere. Multi-culturalism avant la lettre. The pain just begins, as we have introduced the characters. Every episode has a few chases. These consist of showing some of the above characters floating on the screen over a fog where their legs used to be, while to either left or right side, a villain floats on the fog of what we presume his legs should be. Overall, a good five minutes each episode are spend in that uncanny position. Every episode has a villain in it, that chases the heroes. And every episode ends with the unmasking of the villain (for some strange reason, the villain is always masked). That is all. No plot to speak of. No coherence. In thousands of episodes we learn nothing more of the heroes than can be said in one paragraph.

This is one of the absolutely worst cartoons ever made, and, drawing on my personal vast knowledge of many worlds your mortal eyes will never see, cross referenced with my direct experience with Plato's Ideals (having personally given them baths and formulas as most were growing up) I can tell you it's also close to the worst cartoon that can be made in a three dimensional space. Actually, if you are making cartoons, and what you are making resembles Scooby Doo, you should probably give up your present career, girlfriend (yah right), family and citizenship and start from scratch, maybe apply to the engineering school in Medellin, Columbia.

Transformers and all the other stupid robot super hero crap
1. Transformers

Firstly, why would a car want to be a walking humanoid made of steel ? Oh, because you are watching it, and you need to relate to it, and you cant quite relate to a steel box ? Fine. Then why would a human being want to be a steel box with wheels ? Oh, because he's such a failure at being a humanoid that he thinks trying something else might give it an edge ? And since that plan blatantly failed a few times before, our humanoid drew the conclusion that what was at fault was not the concept itself, as much as the implementation, namely he didn't pick something exotically-insane enough. Why be a boyscout, a goth, a political activist, be a car and be done with it. A tank. A helicopter. Excellent.

So we get a humanoid made of steel that can morph into a tank. Remarkably, the humanoid made of steel has a working jaw that moves ostensibly when the thing “speaks”. It probably has a larynx of steel. You probably have a brain of steel, which I lack, and thus this great cartoon is wasted on me. Enjoy.

2. All the other stupid robot super hero crap You don't matter. You will not save the world. Your name will never be known outside the circle of a few personal acquaintances. Most of those people will despise you, think you stupid, useless, ugly, boring, uninteresting, and generally will score you bellow average on any sort of scale you can think of. And your cock is too short.

You will never have super powers, or any powers at all for that matter, unless its something like abducting seven year olds or stepping on ants. You will not shoot spiderweb from your hands, you will not see through walls (or clothes) you will not even run relatively fast or turn into anything else than a fat ugly old ass.

Nobody will ever love you, or care for you, if you will ever get shot at it will be by someone who doesn't not know you personally, or even the first letter of your first name (unless you are a waitress in the dinner he's holding up, and wearing your name tag). If you get married your wife will only want the paycheck. If you don't get married, your girlfriend/escort will only want the paycheck. You wont have the superpower to kill yourself, either.
Sorry for this interruption, you may go back to super adventures now.

The Flintstones (and spin-offs like the Jetsons ) Fred is the bread winner. Wilma is the house keeper. Barney is the friend. Dino is the dog. Betty is Wilma's friend, and for economy she got married to Barney, this way the show just bothers with two houses which simplifies things, and the viewer doesn't need any modern processor installed to follow the show. Barney is completely devoted to Fred. Fred is not completely devoted to anything. Betty and Wilma have their little “female resistance” thing going. If Betty had any sort of personality or character, she might wake up to the realisation she does not want to be irrevocably married to a silly guy level with her (adolescentine) breasts just so the nice people at the network save on lot space. Luckily for her (and unluckily for anyone else) she does not have any sort of personality or character.

On top of this simple construct looms, horrible as ever, The Construct. Everybody is stuck in a role and nothing ever changes. How many ways you think Wilma and Fred have sex ? Obviously not dozens, not even several, not a few. You could say “only one”, but I think it's really worse. They don't do it “only one way” they do it “the same way”. You think Fred and Wilma might divorce one day ? You think Pebbles might marry a black man ? You think Barney might get a haircut ? Or maybe get evicted ? Or get a severe case of herpes from his sweetheart and pass it on to Betty ?

Some parts make sense, wearing the same clothes is a must for character recognition. Catch phrases might be useful (although I don't think so). But the real problem lies elsewhere. Every time the Flintstone crew meets something exterior what happens is that something exterior is transformed according to the Flintstones, not the other way around. There are some ground rules about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable (which set I call The Construct) and now everything in the whole wide world can either fit with this construct, be modified to fit with the construct and then shown, or not be shown at all. It's like looking at the world through a pink glass. It's like considering everything strictly from the monetary gain perspective. It's like going to school to show the teacher you already know the subject matter instead of learning it.

It is, in fact, a childishly stupid approach to things. If applied, it prevents people from ever learning anything new. The amount of effort that goes into enforcing it would reasonably produce much better results if it was used to actually learn what you're trying to avoid. Just consider the imaginary case of the policeman who can't read. For the time and effort he spends during his career to avoid being shown off as an analphabet, he could have learned to read ten times over.

Yet, as childishly stupid and wasteful as it is, people do it all the time. They go traveling yet eat at MacDonald's. They go on tourist tours, which consist of dipping tourists into a faked foreign atmosphere while safely keeping them inside a “built for tourists” sucker trap.

But with spin-off pieces of crap like the Jetsons, The Construct really becomes so visible and in your face, there is simply no more pretending. You bitches just like being owned. Routine, every single day and every single moment, it doesn't even matter if its pleasant or not, that is besides the point. Just make it so there is something to do at all times, give us the laws and the limits and we will happily play in our corner. Right ? Stability. Safety. Structure. Predictability.

You're all wet already, are you ? Unfortunately, what makes excellent social and political systems does not make an excellent shows. Not even an almost bearable show. Just like what makes an engineer is not what makes an author.

Reality shows
It is a monumental mistake to attempt to make a show by showing what average people do on average days. It's like trying to uphold peace by invading a country, and spread freedom by erecting concentration camps (Yes, I do mean Guantanamo Bay. Average people are boring to everyone, and yes, that includes themselves. However, air time has to be filled somehow. To go between the horns of that dilemma, there have been a few different approaches employed over the years:

Get people who are not really average to pretend they are and then film them on the special day you film them, while they pretend it's an average day. If you have an excellent story writer, the result is Seinfeld. Long live. If you don't have an excellent story writer, the result is nondescript sit coms.

Get people who are perfectly average in some fucked up situation. This can be, for instance, pay 6 co-eds to share a 20 foot apartment 2 weeks. The result is Big Brother. Or pay a few coeds to let you install spycams in the shower. The result is doubtful porn. Or pay people to lick snakes or jump cliffs or any equally idiotic things, that they would never actually do by and for themselves. Problem is, none of this is interesting.

Roadrunner cartoons
Coyote tries to catch bird. Coyote fails. Coyote gets hurt. Bird gloats.
Coyote tries to catch bird. Coyote fails. Coyote gets hurt. Bird gloats.
Coyote tries to catch bird. Coyote fails. Coyote gets hurt. Bird gloats.
Coyote tries everything conceivable, and one or two steps beyond that. He fails every time. He fails in ways that are inconsistent and don't form patterns. The only pattern is that he fails and the bird gloats.

I'm sick of the shit. I will personally discharge assault rifles and, if available, anti tank missiles against any road runner, any bird resembling a road runner, any person wearing a road runner costume I will ever encounter. That bird has to go, it has had it coming for too long.

Your limited reading skills again force me to stop here, but I will continue this valuable work in the future. I can not irrevocably warrant that glorious event will take place in your lifetime. You can however significantly improve your chances by dieting, exercising and getting a divorce.

15 people like TV even more.

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