What's Wrong with the World

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What's Wrong with the World

(part I . entertainment, general)

God makes mistakes. It's not news, we have known it all along. Of course, people, being the useless blobs of organic-identical fat and artificial colors we have come to know and love (well, maybe not love... tolerate ? On a good day, yes. But good days are rare.) lack the overall cognitive capacity to consistently describe such mistakes, and that in the unlikely event they could keep their eyes focused for long enough to spot a flaw in the universe they would definitely not be able to keep their brain focused long enough to communicate it, let alone fix it forever in the stone tablets of the Internet.

All hope is not lost, however, because superior transcendent beings like myself will condescend to boldly go where no one has gone before, and do all the work for you lazy bums. So, take your notebooks out and get ready to be fed valuable information and considerations of galactic import that you, with your limited horizon, will probably try to use to fill in your otherwise limp conversation on dates. It will not work, either, but you will of course disregard both this warning and any semblance of common sense.

Today, we will name the names and point the fingers to what is commonly called .media., mostly by people who didn't bother to learn any other language besides English.

I. TV prompters

These are screens that show what the dumb blonde on TV has to say, so she can read it while you think she's looking straight at you through the TV. I have one thing to say. Know what the fuck you want to say on TV, or go away. If you are going to read a text to me, just broadcast a screen with the text on it. I can read. Faster and better than you. And I certainly like myself more than any blonde that ever sat under studio lights.

Self help books

You can't be helped. Go away.

Only self help book that ever should be published is .How to Kill Yourself. No Survivors., and obviously the big six don't want to publish something that is guaranteed to have no sequels or any vocal fan base. Thus, no self books should be published. Anyone caught planning, writing, editing or publishing a self help book, even if they were unaware they were in fact planning, writing, editing or publishing a self help book will, cumulatively

Get a very serious case of hives in their larynx and trachea. It will itch.

Be served maggots in every other hamburger they order, regardless where they order it. The maggots will originate from a freshly found corpse of a hooker that was killed in an orgy by sweaty black men with caballine penises, more specifically from the hooker's crotch. The maggots will be fat and luscious and secrete a special sort of mucus, and will crawl into the truck carrying the hamburger supplies while the truck is stopped at a light next to the ambulance carrying the dead hooker corpse cited above. Regardless of all this, the offending party involved in the production and distribution of unholy maculature will never be aware they have just swallowed a few fat, luscious, mucous maggots with their last hamburger, and every other hamburger before that. It will be impossible for the offending party to detect said maggots at any point before the maggots make it to the small intestine, where they will give vague tickles, itches and burns on rare occasions. However, at night they will push fecal matter from the colon all the way back through the digestive system, and rub it on the teeth and throat. Which will be noticed in the morning by anyone present except the offending party.

Will get invisible dandruff, that only becomes visible when they go out on a blind date, and during anti dandruff shampoo commercials

One of their balls will become larger than the other

Frozen shit and piss from all passing planes, helicopters, UFOs, super heroes and any other flying objects will regularly be dumped precisely on their grave site, starting two minutes after the funeral service. In case of exhumation for any reason, the above will be updated with the new grave site.

At the time of their death there will be a 10% surge in average wages, a 5% drop of unemployment, a 50% increase of social benefits and a 100% increase of general optimism. The threat level will go down one full level.

Every year after their death, another person will come forward with claims of horrid sexual abuse, dating back at least two decades.

Do not be aiding and abetting the loathsome and unholy creation and distribution of maculature that is wicked in the eyes of the Lord, or the above will apply to you.

II. Any form of televised religious or spiritual endeavours

It doesn't work. I have personally conferred with God himself, with most of the angels, with a good portion of all the saints (that because many saints are rather boorish types one wouldn't be interested to chat with. And a good few are rather violent, sociopathic, maniacal or otherwise over the edge). There is no way for a puny mortal like yourself to mediate or otherwise ease or help the contact of another puny mortal (such as, again, yourself) with any sort form or denomination of divinity. Further, all of us here think the attempts are very funny.

No clergy of any faith has any sort of privileged access to divinity or the transcendent. Any claims to the contrary are utter bullshit. In a moment of benevolence, an entity that wishes to not be named has inspired the mortal known as Frank Zappa when he wrote the song .Cosmik Love.. I have the right and authority to affirm and represent that he's laid the real deal bare. That's how it is, he speaks the truth.

This is not to say anyone in the Great Beyond, or beyond, is upset or in any way slighted by all the people and organizations who claim they can do what they can't. We are very much amused, and that's about all there is to it. No meteors are currently hailing, will soon be hailing nor are planned to eventually hail on priests, shamans, churches, temples and whatever else you call them down there. If the unlikely event a few small meteors do hit such a person or place, it's probably because one of the elder saints lost control of their bowels, probably because they laughed to hard at whatever was transpiring in that place of...err... worship. Wipe and smile, you have been blessed with good luck for a thousand years. Starting at some point in the future.

To help your limited intellect understand this right. If you were Madonna, and some schmuck said he had sex with you, you wouldn't care. Unless he manages to say it on TV. So conversely, when you manage to get your mug show up in the Halls of Heaven and speak there, we might care. And to continue the parallel, if some schmuck claimed he's Madonna's pimp and charged a fee and you paid that fee, it would probably make a lot of people laugh, but it would not get you much closer to the girl's bedroom.

And now, to pretend something that can't be done at all can be done via the TV... No, but seriously. It might work. I mean, trying to get phone numbers of girls in your physical proximity never worked, right ? So, logically, you should try it over long distances, preferably using a one way media. Yup. Has all the makings of success. Touch the screen now. Heal ! HEAL !!!

III. Fashion shows

You probably don't know this, but fashion shows exist only so rich folks can laugh at you. This is accomplished in any or all of the following ways :

Get your wife to buy the ridiculous pieces of shit she sees on fashion shows. They will cost inordinate amounts of money, which you sweat for. In fact, have you ever wondered how come there are so many designers around ? For every dollar of shit they sell, they get about 9.50 in subsidies from rich people who get a kick out of thinking some idiot spent nine and a half week's pay on clothing that is.. well...

Get your wife to wear the ridiculous pieces of shit she sees on fashion shows. It's the kick of the century. They are cumbersome. They are ridiculous. They are disadvantageous. If you can think up an epithet to describe bad clothes, they are it. And the dizzy cow is wearing them and is beaming, like a kid with a toy train. You know what is gonna be next year's right ? You don't ? Ok, let me tell you. Dried shit. Made into plates and sewn together.

Get your wife to wear pink. That, in itself is so fucking ludicrous it is an accomplishment au par with the great bridge across the Fayoum oasis and the tower of Reykjavik.

Fill all the glossy magazines with enough stuff that your daughter will buy them and develop anorexia. Due to all the kids who suddenly have a lot of allowance money available to buy fashion mags, they can sell in huge volumes, at the same time sponsoring deforestation and dumping tons of chemicals into all waterways in sight. Thus you choke and die. Finally !

IV. Talk-shows.

Talk shows do not belong on TV. They belong on the radio. Putting radio content on the TV is like the Olympic Games for the Handicapped, only a lot worse, because while handicapped people might have very good reasons they want to run or jump hurdles, there is absolutely no way content would want to be on TV.

Just because content doesn't care is no reason it should be abused. Notice how 13 year olds who want to go on webcams and blow off strangers are still counted as child abuse cases. And that woman went to jail for starting a family with one of her students, in spite of the fact the student was all for it, and what's more, sired at least one child out of her. Which they now raise together from what I see.

In the same exact way, it does not even matter what content wants, or doesn't want, or you or it or anyone else thinks it wants or might want. Content is not a legal adult, and has no right to decide. Hence, putting radio content on the TV is contentual abuse. Putting TV content on the radio was very bad, but excusable when there was no TV yet, and you were stuck telling the game to people over the radio. But today there is no excuse. White laundry goes in the white laundry bag, colored laundry goes in the colored laundry bag. TV content goes on TV, radio content goes on the radio. It is that simple. Obey.

V. Hosts.

Hosts are an insane chimera, because they are stuck between two sets of perfectly opposite requirements. On one hand, they have to be attractive, look good on screen and generally attract crowds with their visual appearance. It helps if they are famous, naked, psychotic and so forth. On the other hand, they have to comment and generally yak all the god damned time, which demands they are intelligent, well read, mannered and tactful. Therein lies the problem.

Nobody who is good at the first line of requirements can possibly be good at the second. Nobody who is good at the second line of requirements can possibly be good at the first. I can tell you it violates a law of the universe. You ever heard of Heisenberg's principle ? Well, look it up. It's the same law of the universe, except seen from a different angle. It can not be done.

Usually the networks prefer to use idiots that look good on screen or are famous. This leaves us with some stupid blond chick or even more stupid rich heiress chatting constantly her idiotic bullshit. We are then forced to mute the TV. Sometimes, the networks separate the two, and they employ a herd of scantily clad girlies to fuss around a single, usually ugly and old male speaking character. It is a good step forward, cut the problem in two. Unfortunately, it is rare the second needed step is taken, which is hire a person that doesn't talk shit to do the talking. Further, it is a step backward too, because they keep filming the chap and conveying sounds from the herd. It increases the potential for doing stupid things, and whenever that potential exists, people can be trusted to actualize it.

Yet the solution is painfully simple. Do voice overs. I cant wait for Paris Hilton sounding like Andy Kaufman, or maybe Cameron Diaz sounding like Dave Chapelle. That would finally be a good show.

Your limited reading skills force me to stop here, but I will continue this valuable work in the future. I can not irrevocably warrant that glorious event will take place in your lifetime. You can however significantly improve your chances by dieting, exercising and getting a divorce.

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