Who shot the sheriff?

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Who shot the sheriff?

Meet Giacobbi. John Giacobbi.

Now what exactly does that mean, illegal downloading expert ? Is he not really in the studio yet, but rather being downloaded there, and presumably against his will ? So they are conveying that they are downloading an expert, illegally ?

Or is he a downloading expert, which is to say he's really good at downloading stuff, but he got that title illegally, by means of, say, just making it up ? Would he botch an upload really badly if we were foolish enough to put him in charge of it, what with him being a downloading expert and all ?

Or is he really good at illegally downloading stuff ? Hence an expert ? But then how did he end up an "Internet policing specialist" ? Did the man graduate an Internet policing course anywhere ? And do they mean policing as in making policies ?

Maybe the poor man is just a web security guy and the pesky networks, in their unrelenting quest for sensational material made the shit up behind his back. What networks again ? Uhh... WTBX (Wannabe Television, Boroughs), SmallPox TV and EastStaines ClosedCircuit (of Appals)

How do you end up being called a "Web Sheriff" on East Staines CC TV ? Shouldn't there be a law protecting decent, law abiding citizens from such abuse ?

Well... not if said citizens run a website that's called precisely that, and on which they collect pictures of themselves in the act of, so to speak, illegal downloading expertise of Internet policing specialism and web security sheriffment. You know, sheriffment. Sorta like make merry, merryment. But with sheriff.

Oh, yea. And pigment.

So this website of websheriffment has, and we quote (without permission)

It was through the acute need and demand for the protection of on-line rights against infringements and abuse that Web Sheriff was set-up by its parent company, Entertainment Law Associates. (as an attempt to make the law entertaining, n.ed.)

Do not imagine it was through an acute attack of megalomania afflicting the expert/specialist John Giacobbi, even if he did spend a few years of his life committed to an...if you will pardon the expression... FUCKING INSANE ASYLUM, for, we again quote

The patient constitutes a classical case of paranoid schizophrenia, presenting frequent delusions of reference, in general loosely grouped around an intellectual property theme, and strong hallucinatory episodes, which more or less revolve around an imaginary John Wayne passing instructions or, in one case, badges of membership. We do not advise release at this time.

It was not. He is taking his medicine. Honest. Triple Boyscout Promise !

Since that's out of the way, let us further point out that WebSheriffment, the website, has become a market-leader through offering truly across-the-board solutions, from on-line legal enforcement to high tech anti-piracy. Really. Honest. Multiple-Tiered Boyscout Promise.

One is left wondering exactly what on-line legal enforcement is, however. What if the party being enforced upon suddenly looses connection ? And could you have low tech anti-piracy ? What would that be, cannons mounted on a Spanish Galleon ?

Web Sheriff also has a proven track-record of being able to significantly suppress illegal peer-to-peer activity (in some cases by as much as 90%), they say. On the other side of the barricade, the pirate bay reports 958718 registered users, 890874 peers (754441 leechers + 136433 seeders) in 142893 torrents on tracker. If this is the 10% left, the 90% eliminated by our intrepid frontiersman would amount to about 1.3 million torrents, at a conservative 1Gb a piece, which basically means something equivalent to the entire digital libraries of ALL KNOWN CONTENT PRODUCERS. Five times over.

That's right, ladies and gents, Johnny Giacobbi the Sheriff from the Future has in fact cut down piracy that couldn't have occurred yet. As I am writing this right now, Johny had already prevented countless cases of people stealing my content that will have occurred in the distant future. He's proactive like that. Why, just last week he personally destroyed about 15,000 copies of Matrix - Reloaded For the Fifth Time since It Jammed Last Four, and Need for Speed 160 (not the speed, the sequel count), and Lord of the Rings LXIX (if you read that "lix", you're dead on, it's 69 in roman scribble). Apparently Lord of the Rings is going to end sucking at some point in the future and start licking. At least some good news.

Watching him destroy pirated software from the future is great family fun, by the way. He has a small, indoors cognitive-powered steamroller, and it goes "chuu chuuu". A riot.

Oh, by the way. He does have a list of outlaws on his site, which is kept very up-to-date. There's not a single actual case there, that our Sheriff might have solved, or at least be currently working on, but all is not lost. Some precious gems of Internet Stupidity (tm) adorn it, including this snippet.

Subversion - Subversion abounds on the net and, whilst the above photo / caption aimed at Craig David is probably meant to be humorous, the net is nonetheless the source of numerous hate and obsessive notices. Targeted monitoring of offending / notorious sites is essential.

I'm not even going to ask what are hate and obsessive notices, nor what is said monitoring essential for. What I am going to say, however, is : Here you go, Johnny, suck on it. My site's market leaderness owns your site's, and as such whenever someone types in your name he will be presented with something that's called "World's Leading Anal Satire Site". Now start monitoring. It's essential.

Dumbass.

16 parallel universes are now safer because of John Giacobbi, the Light Jeddi of Truth.

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