Transcendental Interviews. Today, Bill O'Reilly

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Transcendental Interviews. Today, Bill O'Reilly

Me : Hi there
O'R: Oh, God, have mercy!

Me : What is your name ?
O'R: Oh, great one, my name is anything you want it to be.

Me : Ok, I suppose conceited asshole would do as well as anything else.
CA : Thank you.

Me : You seem a bit pale, what's wrong with you ?
CA : Please, I didn't do nothing wrong. Please, oh, please, I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry, have mercy !

Me : Stop hollering will ya ? My hearing is perfectly fine. Get off the floor and leave the shoes be, I just had them shined.
CA : Our father, who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will...

Me : That's enough of that. Pay attention. I'm not here to send you to your proper resting place. I'm here to
CA : But the light ! And the...

Me : Don't interrupt, or I'll cut your mic for good. Forget about the light, that's not very important. I am here for an interview. A transcendental interview.
CA : Really ?

Me : Yes. Back in July you have said you were going to make a nightly announcement of the people and organizations that were helpers of the terrorists. Where's the announcements ?
CA : Uhh... I don't know.

Me : What do you mean, you don't know. Saint Peter was watching your show up at the Pearly Gates, and the entire republican heaven was in a boil over it. Apparently, God himself didn't have the list. Bill O'Reilly said he did. Where is the list ?
CA : I...uh...I mean I never... ehmmm... you know.

Me : Try and speak like you went to school will you ?
CA : But I didn't !

Me : You didn't go to school ?
CA : Well...if I must say... No. I was too busy dancing. You see, I loved the all-out dancing, and quite a few girls loved to dance with me. The dancing got me dates. The dancing said (since you couldn't hear any words in those places under the rotating mirror balls), Hey, let's have some fun and see what happens next, which was never school or homework, you see. But that's not what I meant, really, I meant more like...well... there was no list. I never had a list, it was just an idea of mine.

Me : What was the idea ?
CA : Well, you know... I thought I could, you know, help out. Look, when people are dying all around you, you don't give the benefit of the doubt. You don't stop to think. When everybody's dying and bombs are going off, the benefit of the doubt, or thinking in general gets you and everybody else killed. So I was trying to help out, you know, keep those terrorists out. I guess I was trying to do what any real American would, you know ? Show the terrorists we're not just sitting targets.

Me : So, you figure making up things like that is going to help ? Is there a virus going on through your party ?
CA : What do you mean ?

Me : It's remarkable, from way up here, this sort of trend going on. Somehow, appealing to the true red blooded American, manufacturing imaginary threats, lists and weapons and claiming you were trying to help seem to go together like grilled meat, buns and Worcestershire.
CA : I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Me : So what do you have against Carter ?
CA : Me ? Nothing, what could you have against that guy ? I couldn't even tell you when he was president, and it was during my lifetime for crying out loud.

Me : But you said that if Carter were president today, we'd all be speaking Arabic.
CA : O, that. Well, I didn't mean that, you know... I was just...uh... well you know how it is, you're on the show day in, day out, and you always have to yap yap yap away, say something or people will change channel, so sometimes...you know, sometimes you have to say something, you know, milk your brain, squeeze it for something.

Me : And sometimes there's not much coming out ?
CA : Exactly. But you have to say something anyway, you have to have an opinion, otherwise what are people looking at ? A guy keeping his trap shut ? That's not a show.

Me : Anyway, isn't that the best president one can have ? A president you never hear about ? Isn't that the scale of presidential success, more or less ?
CA : I suppose... But what's the fun in that ? Spend all that money, all that effort to get elected, and do what ? Nothing for four years ? No interviews, no media coverage, not even a war here and there ? What's the point then ? You could as well have minded your own business, never ran in the first place.

Me : Ever been drunk ?
CA : Lots of times.

Me : Ever left the bar with three men you never seen before ?
CA : Can't hide much from you, can one ?

Me : Ever did all that while underage ?
CA : Well...

Me : I'll take that as a yes. Ever did it on the island of Aruba ?
CA : No, that's where I draw the line. Aruba owes an explanation to the Holloway family, either privately or publicly. The government there must tell the family what it knows.

Me : I'm glad to see you still draw the line somewhere. I suppose if common sense fails to deliver the Holloway family their explanation, the island of Aruba could, something in the form of "Your daughter was a dumb slut. Slut enough to leave a bar while intoxicated with three unknown men, and dumb enough to do so on some island somewhere that she's never been on before, and leave all her friends behind. Which is pretty dumb, really."
CA : Just imagine yourself losing a child... not knowing what's going on for months. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

Me : It's an active investigation. You don't want to see more Abu Ghraib photos released, but you want foreign governments to disclose their active juridical proceedings ? That's a bit nonsensical, isn't it ?
CA : Depends who pays your bills. I've never seen as much as a case of beer from those Aruba people.

Me : Yes, they don't care much about you, it's another country. They have their own laws, and couldn't care less about yours, and even less about your opinion, although I'm sure you could turn into an Arubian political commentator just as easily as anything else.
CA : You bet I could. Just look at my shows. I know about everything.

Me : Which brings us to the main point of this encounter. No Bill, you don't.
CA : I don't what ?

Me : You don't know shit.
CA : Ahhh.

Me : Actually, you don't know anything at all about most everything you ever speak of. There are some topics, few and far between where you have an average understanding of the issues involved, but they are the exception. And there is not a single topic your intellect or experience qualifies you above average.
CA : I guess that is true...

Me : Ok, I'm glad you admit. Still angry with that Savage guy, or is it all straightened out ?
CA : I think we worked it out mostly. Just like the counselor said, it was a complex issue, but anything could be resolved through earnest communication.

Me : How did you resolve it then ?
CA : Ehh, you never been with a girl before ? It's called sex.

Me : I dare not ask who's the girl. So, you really think BBC is lieing to the Brits ?
CA : Absolutely.

Me : And why you say that ?
CA : As you may know, I was in Europe couple months back, and whenever the discussion turned to Iraq, it was not about deposing Saddam's brutal regime or about allowing millions of Iraqis to vote for the first time in decades or about the terrorist Zarqawi beheading civilians and blowing up women and children. No! On the telly Iraq was all about Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. Thank you, left-wing media!

The anti-Bush press and the people who aid them have greatly succeeded in turning the war on terror into a "Bash America" fest. You have to hand it to those people - they are effective. But that was before the London terror attack. Will things change now? Don't count on it.

That's because media like the BBC won't stop its spin. While in Ireland, I watched in amazement as a BBC interviewer named Gavin Esler baited an incredibly dim Jane Fonda into putting the worst possible face on her country.

Me : You wouldn't say that on the contrary it's bullshit newstertainment chains like Fox that are spinning, while BBC is more about actual journalism ?
CA : No, that is exactly the opposite.

Me : Is it the exact opposite of what's going on, or is it the exact opposite of what your boss told you to say ?
CA : And what's the difference ?

Me : I see. But do you honestly believe media can be as powerful as all that ? I mean, sure it can make you buy shit you don't need and behave ridiculously, but can it make you ignore reality after something as catastrophic as the London bombings ?
CA : Sure it can. It can do a lot more than that. There's no limit, really.

Me : How would you know ?
CA : Well, uhh...I...there's this study I read once.

Me : I'm sure. Or maybe it was a bit of edutainment. So, what's the deal with Muslims ?
CA : Why does Britain let so many Muslims - if you go to London, Edgware Road and other areas of London - it's just packed with dense Muslim neighborhood , which just breed this kind of contempt for Western society. Why do they let them in?

Me : Because you can't keep people out just because they are Muslims, or Americans.
CA : Well, they don't belong in.

Me : You know, maybe you should keep out of that country. The media conglomerates there put such a huge spin on everything, they even gotten the border patrols.
CA : I guess so.

Me : Say, for argument's sake. If you sat on a very fast spinning surface for a few minutes, and then stepped down, how would it feel like ?
CA : I guess everything would be spinning around you.

Me : My point exactly. Don't go to England.
CA : Fine. I didn't like it anyway.

Me : Alright. I'll be sending you on your way now, careful to not ban any more congressmen from your show for not showing up. Have a safe trip now.

Bill O'Reilly smoked 10 miles of blunts on the air.counts the moment he lost office.

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