Anatomy of the spammer brain.

Anatomy of the spammer brain.

Here's the funniest email I received all week :


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	for <xxxx@yahoo.com>; Tue, 30 Jan 2007 16:43:41 -0600
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Reply-to:	"Bruce Rios" <acalevhqgx@hotmail.com>
From:	"Bruce" <acalevhqgx@hotmail.com>  
Message-ID:	<9442227021.20070130164341@vhsdxxhqshry>
Date:	Tue, 30 Jan 2007 16:43:41 -0600
To:	xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject:	<$$text>
MIME-Version:	1.0
Content-Type:	text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding:	7bit
Content-Length:	57



<$$text>
<$$text>
<$$text>
<$url1>?<$mcrypt>
<$$text>

This guy doesn't even understand enough about computers to know the difference between a variable and it's value. How's that for a primitive mind ? There's nothing more basic, is there ? You have variables, be they "foo", and their content, be it "bar". Thus, we say $foo = 'bar';. This, to the computer, means that an object is created, named "foo", and containing the value "bar". If we wish later to have that computer send idiotic, useless, pointless drivel through the network, we don't tell it Say "foo" ! We tell it, Say $foo !

But that's we. Not spammers. Spammers are teh dumb.

Now let me ask you this. Would you say in the case of all the other spam emails, the ones that don't go $$text $url1 but "Buy Viagra here", is it because that spammer, unlike this one, actually knew what they were doing ? Or is it merely because they were better at following instructions ?

When confronted with "Open package, pour water, stir", some people will open the package and let it sit there, pour water on the floor and stir nice patters in the air, even if the majority is going to succeed making cookies out of pre-mixed cookie batter.

So here it is, the insecapable conclusion. Some spamming machines are zombies, doing it without the knowledge of the 16 year old girl that's supposedly the owner. But some other spamming machines are perfectly sane computers, and would be productive members of society, if it weren't for the zombie owner.

There's plenty written explaining how an innocent computer becomes a zombie, through viruses, windows security holes and whatnot. There's not so much written explaining how random retarded people end up zombies, so let's go into that.

About a couple years ago, self proclaimed spammer "kings" of all sorts started coming out of the woodwork. Unsurprisingly, if you listen to them, they were simply on top of the world. Yachts and limousines, chalet in the Alps and summer house in the Hamptons, the works. Rich, successful people the kind every poor, unsuccessful American loves to hear about.

How did they make it all ? Spam, of course. Cretinous "media outlets", like for instance Salon, that are always more than willing to spew some more unresearched bullshit packed as news covered the story.

The claim is that you can get rich from spamming. Nobody seems to realise that you don't get rich by doing something stupid. You get rich by doing something smart. In fact, the people who are rich, and particularly the rich people that spend any time financing the ventures of poor people, seem to only want to know one thing : how smart is this idea you're trying ?

As always, it doesn't matter that a claim is patently false. A little bit of media attention, coupled with the very tangible fact that spamming is stupid enough to be illegal (which makes it part of that very exclusive club of ideas that merited outlawing strictly on the basis of their stupidity) give it that little bit of romantic appeal, which is all that's needed. The notion that there's fortunes to be made spamming made its way through fried grease and court mandated medication all the way to the very center of white trash consciousness.

To cater to that need, which, strangely enough, exists entirely as a result of media mis-reporting of false information, a small industry sprang up. Come to think about it, isn't that how most "respectable" business interests sprang up, of late ? Just, they don't call it "media mis-reporting of false information creates false needs". They call it "publicity drives demand". Which is all the better phrasing, mine has too much negativity in it.

So that industry, probably ran by the "spammer kings" of yore, sells "products", "SEO tools", "Internet Advertising Packages" and such, and the tags can run to 500$ or so. I mean, run with $500 or so. If spamming itself didn't make them rich, selling spamming tools to wannabe kings of sorts certainly will.

I can readily see with the mind's eye all the projects dweller kids who failed at dope dealing and are now charging greasy truck drivers $7.50 an hour to grope the little sister. 80 loads to go and we get the super duper forum submitter sis. Keep a stiff under lip. I can see Duke selling his souped up Honda Civic, I can see Earl trading the mobile home tyres for Internet scrip, I can see Mary-Sue-Ellen trading her bellybutton ring and silicone implants for a link parser.

Because they will all get rich offa da Internetz dawg. Even if they didn't get rich off The Exclusive Billionaire Club wherein you pay a hundred and then get five bucks for every other guy you convince to "join". Even if they didn't get rich with that land on the Moon speculation. Even if the hot stock tips didn't ever seem to work out quite right. They'll get rich this time, by God, or they'll keep trying, by God, cause that's what they do. They're bettering their condition. By God.

That's what all Americans do. Bettering their condition. Self Bettering.

May it last till we all get rich.

16 people want stupidity to be recognized as capital offence.

Sharehtml is very extremely cretinous, and even worse than thatComment

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