Apparently there exists a publishing house by the name of Kensington. Apparently this company employs an individual by the name of Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, and either this guy is a senior editor, or a weird type of janitor that breaks in the offices after hours and sends people self-absorbed emails.

If you take his word for it, he is among the few who recognized that the audience numbers Internet personalities could pull translate to book sales, and so he's seeking Web authors for publishing deals.

They want to publish some of my shit.

Just as soon as I pay them some minimal fees for vital things like Account Initial Set-up and Management, and sign a contract to guarantee the exercise of my rights, for instance the exercise of my right to give up to them all my rights for all places and times for this first and two more future books, and the exercise of my right to purchase myself, in advance, twice as many copies of my own book as they project they might be able to sell, and the exercise of my right to stay calm when they do pretty cretin stuff like putting my book on sale with some other book's description, and finally the exercise of my right to waive any and all income from any source in any conceivable way connected with or deriving from my own work, in exchange for "public exposure", presumably that sort of exposure which is obtained by being so fucking stupid as to sign contracts like these, irrespective of the fact that my website serves more bytes each day than it takes to publish their entire historical list of titles, fifty times over. Other great reasons why I should go with this great unheard of publisher are the fact that it has more titles published than books sold, makes more net in fees from authors than gross selling books, and in general because it's made of an unbelivable collection of manly badass mofo's that some Pakistani chicken farm outsourced to the US.

These technicalities out of the way, I am happy to announce that my book will be released sometime in June, which is a perfect time to release books, they tell me, because everyone is off taking their vacation and that's when books sell best.

Also, as a bonus, I am going to show you, for the first time in history, the cover of my future book. You don't have to add your email to a spamlist for this, but if you really must you will have to find it somewhere. Without further ado, here it is :

My book is not for the weak. It is not for women, and it is not for children. It is for men, and men only. And not just any men, but the saltiest, hairiest, toughest most rugged son of a bitch out there. The kind that can't change diapers without calling the paramedics or go to the dentist without fainting. Seeing how there's plenty more where this came from, I see no problem with practically giving it away. It would be selfish to keep it for myself, so feel free to get yourself some. This humble tome of wisdom is a tribute to all men who toil away at work every day, getting their balls busted, by angry bosses, by smarter females, by smarter five year olds, by smarter copy machines. You are not alone. I think of you every day. Sometimes even twice a day. And it feels good.

As you can see, it's filled to the brim with shit. It glistens in the light. There are small bubbles slowly working their way to the surface, so they may deliver their own message to this world. What a symphony of sound and aroma. While devouring my productions, I am sure you will discover that just one is simply not enough. You will have to buy several. You will throw out your pot stash so you can store more of my shit. You will end up buying a solid steel chain so you can wear one around your neck, so as not to miss any of the olfactive relish.

All never released before content. All fresh material. Never seen before, at least not in this form. You will be eating it with a spoon. Here are some testimonials of real people that have been fortunate enough to sample my shit for quality assurance :

"Mmm, this is really good. You know, it looks horrid but it tastes wonderfull." - Natasha

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I think you're a really big asshole. Keep up the good work." - Eric

"Thanks for writing this book, it gives me something to think about while I pork my ugly girlfriend." - Jeff

It is true. This is a once in a life-time opportunity, for you.



It is, in fact, the greatest thing since sliced bread. After it hits the stands, it will go so fast you won't be able to breathe, so it might be a good idea to pre-order. In fact, if enough people pre-order, it might make the Amazon top seller list for a few days, never to be seen again. It might make the New York Times Best Seller list, they would say something like "highly entertaining and thoroughly reprehensible". At least it would be accurate, for a change. And I'd go around town insisting people affix "New York Time Best Selling Author" to my name, like every single cockless post-graduate student I ever met insists he be given the proper titles.

16 books have been already sold on pre-orders.

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