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How to personally improve yourself
I'm glad you finally made it. Let's get started.

Introduction : You must sit down and read about the other improvements first, and how they suck. Utterly, indubitably and absolutely, no good useless trash.

While you're doing that, you must not remember how introduction is called captatio benevolentia for the reason that it tries to capture your benevolence. Wouldn't you think the best strategy for that'd be to state absolute, incontrovertible truths ? Isn't it suspicios that introductions to Personal EEmprovements shit on other PEEmprovements ?

How'd the guy know ? You think he actually tried them ? Sure, they may claim they did. But what if they haven't, what if there's some other way they know all other PEEmprovements are a crock. You know, like the barkeep screaming as to how all the other barkeeps water their beer.

Stop thinking about that ! Instead, pay attention. The guru has never met you, and while it's true that you're a unique special snowflake, it's also true that he was a way of fixing your head. Has the way before meeting you, and it can be safely applied to everybody, for guruanteed results.

These universally-applicable, always effective methods are always lists, because God is an accountant. For instance, the world was created in 7 days, here's an exclusive excerpt from the door of God's fridge, taken mere instants before the Creation :
  • 1. Make dark.
  • 2. Make wet.
  • 3. Wipe it off.
  • 4. See stars.
  • 5. Figs.
  • 6. Manga.
  • 7. Lay back and relax.
Do you suppose Creation is a 7 point list on somebody's frige because that's how God works, or because that's how the minds of people peddling God work ?

Stop thinking about that ! And pay attention already ! You can save yourself, by following a relatively simple, pre-made list. Who can ask for more ? Do you even realise the progress we've made ? Think about it !

It used to be that you were saving your immortal soul, from the afterlife, where there's fire-for-souls, which burns like jalapeno, even if there's no body or jalapeno in the afterlife.

Talk about a fucked up business model. Who's gonna believe there's fire-for-souls, and who's gonna give a bowtied dingleberry about what happens in the afterlife to no body in particular.

How's a body to make money with a sale pitch that deffective ? Not that it didn't make piles, for a few years back there, but then again people were alot more stupid way when. Wouldn't you say ?

We tried a bit of reforming, here and there, stopped selling get out of the Lake of Fire tickets, but essentially, the deal was the same, pay us and we'll prevent you from being fed to the dogs at an uncertain future date.

Who wants that sort of disreputable business angle ? It's practically extortion. But, we've done our market resarch, and the pitch is much improved now. Pay us and we'll deliver something good at an uncertain future date.

Unfortunately, we can't quite say what the good'll be, or what good it'll do you, but hey, it's a work in progress. And the price isn't changed, we still take whatever you want to spare.

Also, we have a broad selection of flavours available, to satisfy any and all customers :

How to lose weight. (Diets, Special Diets, Supplements, Increments, Excrements etc)

How to be healty. (Diets, Magic Dusts, Videotapes, DVD's, Special Potions,Magical Touchings)

How to be rich. (eBooks, Websites, Amulets, Nose Rings, Seminars, Podcasts)

How to get laid. (Beds, Beads and other accesories, Pheromones, Coolness Patches, Philtres and Roofies, Speech De-impedimentificators, Penis Elongators, Pick-up Linebooks, Bottled Sexual Expertise, Canned Seduction)

We also peddle success, inspiration, expiration, purified water, thinned air, enchanted crystals, anamnesis, enterocolitis, pertussis and general well being.

So as you can see, we've come a long way from putting people in stocks and burning books. We now sell people stock and flood the book market with so much piss, real books couldn't burn for the drowning.

Therefore, please join our forum today, sign up for the newsletter and help spread the dis - um, I mean gospel.

In closing, a word from our sponsor : Save yourself ! Drink Urine !

14 people drank.

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