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Since everybody seems to be referring to this site as my "blog", I decided to let you all have a taste of blog for comparison. Here is my average day (yesterday) :
I am rudely awakened by some dumbass (he says he's my friend, cuz we met at some party. whatever) at freakin 11 in the morning. I resent waking up before noon. I once stole an air gun for the sole purpose of shooting fucking pigeons that were waking me up early with their woo-ing from Hell. The cats loved the idea. I eventually got so good I could shoot the eggs in their frigging nests, but that's a whole other story. This idiot is blabbering idiotic stuff. Apparently his girlfriend (who isn't his girlfriend particularly, they just met at some party) and love of his life didn't sleep there last night and he's all desperate and sobbing and talking about prescription drugs. I tell him he needn't worry, because she's in the shower and will be out to chat with him presently. I place the receiver on the pillow and on my way to fix breakfast start the computer and put on some porn. Oh, crap, seems I forgot the speakers on max last night. A well. I did find out this morning that the guy cut his wrists, incidentally. I found out from the respective lady love, who was all neurotic over some idiot cutting their writsts. Who cares, really ? Besides, he didn't even kick the bucket, some nosy neighbour called the ambulance when she saw bloody water coming from under the door. Let this be a lesson to you kiddies, turn the water off BEFORE you start with the razors. I realise her conversation isn't much better than his, and the thought passes my mind that they would be a perfect pair. Luckily I am more tolerant of female stupidity, and besides the woman needs consolation, which took most of this morning, but that's a whole other vlog. Back to my breakfast. Mr. Horny, my pet beetle, is pissing me off. Instead of being a content beetle singing hymns of praise to my otherwise obvious generosity and other good qualities, it's spending all it's time trying to escape from it's box. I add acetone to my shopping list, I always wanted to see how well it preserves beetles. Breakfast done, the biggest challenge of the day is upon me. What the fuck am I doing today ? I could spend a few hours screaming at my landlady over the phone, but I did that the day before yesterday and she might be in the hospital still. (yet another story). I could go shopping. Shopping is always fun. That's it, I'm going shopping. On the way out, I notice the neighbour left her puppy out this morning. Yay. I kick it so it goes flying across the street and just sorta lands and sits there in a heap. Awww, how cute. Taxi's here. Yea, that's right, I take a cab to the mall. I can't be bothered with driving, nor with loading and unloading my bags. The driver is a wiry fellow, good, it'll come in handy later. Once there, I ask him to wait and go in. I don't remember what I needed bought tho... I guess I won't buy what I need, I'll just buy what I like buying. Shoes is a good start, since you get some dropout looser to lick your feet. After trying a dozen or so pairs, I suddenly remember I have four pairs of the world's best Italian shoes waiting for me at home... A well, I guess I'm not gonna buy shoes today. Maybe tomorrow. There's a girl at the coffee rack, and she wants to chat. She wants to chat about coffee, but eventually we establish all sorts of things, including the fact that she's free after five, and more than happy to meet me for coffee at six, in the expensive coffeehouse of my choosing. Accidentally I forget to mention to her I'm not likely to go, unless it so happens I tell this story to some girl-friend that feels particularly mean and insists to further humiliate her. A well. A couple of times I park the cart sideways on the isle while I play in the shelves. People can't pass. People look at me as if it's my problem. That's always funny so I chuckle. People eventually say something. I tell them to go around, can't they see I'm busy ?! They puff and huff and back up and go all the way up the isle. People are dorks, I never could understand them. By now I have a nearly full cart. I go to the express check out. Of course. I pick up a pack of chewing gum and put it on the conveyer belt. Clerk looks at me. May I help you sir ? You may. Clerk looks at cart again, gum is 50 cents, I pay and go on my way. As I dump the gum in the trash, I passingly wonder how long it would take to put all the shit back on shelves ? Oh shit, I'm all out of gum again. A well... Back out, there's my cab driver hopping up and down. He gestures happily. Awww, how cute. There's also a bunch of other drivers sitting around. I go to the biggest one. Taxi ? Sure, he says. I go in. The other cabby is all excited, comes running. My 280 pound Spike sorta gives him the look, and he just freezes there. A well... I wish people would stand up for themselves more. It would make the world much more fun to live in. I go to my favorite japanese place in town. I pay this cabby what I owed the other one on top of his fare, comes to about 400%. I figure he's earned it. He's certainly happy. I order salmon roe, I count the salmons-that-will-never-swim in my mouth. 244 this time, not a bad day for endangering species. I have other various good stuff, shark fins, fresh steelhead trout filee. I order Thai catfish just for the hell of it, I could never stand the thing. As it's finally evening, I go to a "night club" place. I "hire" two girls for the evening, and we proceed to have a lot of fun. You probably imagine that means fuck them or something, but really, who can be bothered ? Instead what we do is this : We go to various places where tourists gather. One waits outside 10 minutes while me and the other go sit down and scout the place. Then as she comes in, I point discreetely to one of the dorks, be they alone or in a pair. It's usually an elderly gentleman, or a pair of them, with Viagra in the pocket, out on what they imagine is the "prowl". The girl goes over and pretends she knows the guy, sits down, hugs him, drinks his drink, chats, fixes dates, etc etc. Eventually she remembers she's late somewhere and has to run. The funniest part is where she pretends she thinks he knows him from highschool or something. It's absolutely hilarious. Some idiots say something along the lines of "they never taught high school", but most just keep quiet. A minority tries to cop a feel, maybe 10%. They respect her as a woman, you see ? Most people are just stunned. Then after the girl leaves, you can listen in to their conversations, if they were a pair. You hear the funniest things. You can also sneak the occasional pic before the girl leaves, but you have to be discreet or else it kinda all fails. Most girls love these outings so much they usually volunteer their time, I just have to pay the drinks. After which, the Casino. I like playing poker. What I like most about playing poker are two things. Firstly, bluffing someone so they fold their trips and then show them my jack high. Secondly, bluffing someone so they fold their trips, except they want to keep me honest this time and I'm packing a boat. No, actually, it's just one thing. I'm usually the youngest guy at the table and leave with everyone's money. A riot. After which, I'm off to bed, because tomorrow I got an early conference call, and I have to go over the legal reports and make a million due dilligence calls and crap. Just kidding. Tomorrow I'm just going to do it all over again. Boy, I love my life. 1 people wish they were me. |