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People are so obsessed with this lately, and obviously there are a million books out there, trying to sell that much bullshit for 10 bucks a half pound. Here's the real deal, free of charge.
I. Go into your boss' office, preferably while there's a meeting with upper management going on. Insist there's an emergency and make them step outside for a second. Then tell them, literally "I decided to fuck you so finish up in there and wait for me in the copy room, lights off". Then peacefully walk away. Bonus points if you're both male. II. If for whatever reason idiots gathering around the water cooler piss you off, simply go have four burritos for lunch, then couple hours later go to the water cooler, pick it up, drag it into the bathroom, set it down so it blocks the door, sit on the toilet and proceed to make a lot of noise. Then drag the water cooler back out and set it in it's place. Problem solved. III. If you have a pet, keep them locked in your house for an entire day, then pick them up, go ring your next door neigbour's doorbell, and when they open hand them the animal and say "I think it needs to ... oh, I'm so sorry." IV. Pick a quaint, suburban police station. Drive slowly around it, staring at the cops. Do at least a dozen laps. When someone finally comes to send you on your way, tell them you're with the local chapter of the national Citizens Against Police Racial Profiling organisation. Start writing them a ticket. Offer to stop if they give you head. Bonus points if you're white, in a shirt and tie, driving a Ford Fiesta. V. Buy a dozen of those farty balloons that kids set on teacher's chairs in junior high. Always keep an inflated one in your pocket. Whenever in an unpleasantly crowded spot, especially one where people have little choice, like a bus or elevator, loudly use the device. Bonus points if you fill it with hydrogen sulfide. VI. Flamboyantly announce you are holding a birthday party, at least a month early. Invite everyone, especially your boss/supervisors. Insist they dress up for the event. Then hire two security guards, and on the big night have them guard a velvet rope in front of your door and not let anyone in. A fashionable half hour late, show up with two drunken strippers, go in and make a bunch of noise. Call in sick the next day. VII. Volunteer to help in some local programme for molested children. Wear a NAMBLA t-shirt to work. VIII. Every time you meet a cop, walk over to them, and in a funny yet intelligible accent ask where's the closest Dunkin Donuts. If they claim they don't know, mumble "Those standards keep going down every year" to yourself. IX. Every time you see a woman in a park, sitting by herself, crying, walk over, kneel in front of her and ask her to marry you. If she says yes, ask her for 50 bucks to go buy an engagement ring, settle for less if need be. Go buy beer, come back, sit next to her and drink it all by yourself. X. If you dislike a co-worker, get some ink on your fingers, stop them in their way, point at their face so that the ink is towards you, tell them they have something. Insist until they let you wipe it off, at which point give them a good colorful rub. Wish them a good day. Bonus points if you manage to scribble "Cunt", extra bonus points if you draw one. XI. Always keep a toothpick in your mouth. Whenever you use the toilet, flush it and get a new one. XII. Spend an hour each week making reservations to hard to get in restaurants under fictitious names, just in case you might feel like going there 6 months down the road. If you don't, there's always the black market. XIII. Go to the horse races. Don't place any bets, instead wait until it's half done and then offer to buy anyone's tickets for half price. Statistically, you make like 25% on your money that way. You may think that by following these tips you will be shunned by people, if not directly lapidated. That indeed would happen if people weren't such sheep. As things are, the more you abuse them the more they will imagine you are so much better than them, and they deserve the abuse, and perversely there will be no limit to your popularity. Go now, my child, and prosper. This article added 1 successful people to the world. |