Fat Man in Tin Can

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Fat Man in Tin Can

Watching the deeds of earthlings can be very entertaining at times. Take the guy they used to call Timothy Lee Morris. I suppose we could call him Tim. Little Timmy.

Little Timmy had a few problems. One of them was an eating disorder. Another one was an eating disorder. Yet another one was yet another eating disorder. So many different eating disorders plagued little Timmy that he ended up weighting a lot. It is actually difficult to convey numerically the weight of little Timmy. If we use bales, we could say that he was 1 1/4 US bales, or 0.833 UK bales. Someone from India might have said he was just a wee bit over 1 candy. Practically one and a half wool sacks. For the French, he was just over 200 deniers. A Chinese would observe it's really over 500 chins, while a Jap would say he's really under 500. But all that doesn't come nearly close to describing it.

We could say he was over 10 firkins, or 4 million grains. On the positive side, he's essentially 0 Jupiters, or barely 6 kegs. If he was available for melting in their time, the Han empire could have made 72 maces out of him. Normally everyone is made out of 4 quarters, but little Timmy really had 24 (or a bit over 21 if you live in the UK). He was roughly 18 slugs, or just about 42 stones (heavy ones). More importantly, he weighted roughly 5,233,758 ass. (Yes, an ass, it's an European weight measure).

Little Timmy was 298,763,870,040,799,680,136,144,608,208,928,987, 638,700,407,997,000,000,000,000,000,000 times the mass of an electron. That is really misleading however, especially considering that his weight in atomic mass units was only 163,895,859,267,311,392,008,160,992,616.

In other words, Timmy was pretty damned heavy. If you find all this a bit too terse and you want to get a better grasp of Timmy's place in the world, you could for instance build a flubber sphere of about 10 feet in diameter and push it around your lawn. You could get a large sack and fill it with roughly 4000 dildos (if you have the money for batteries, you could try turning them all on, too).

Now let us make it perfectly clear, there's nothing wrong with being overweight. Other than the fact you can't have sex, you have to register your arse with the Department of Chemical Weapons, you clog the loo every time you take a dump, you can't move around and you can barely breathe. But hey, there's worse things you could do to yourself.

For instance, you could be that fat and live in a tin can. Preferably one that is just twice your volume. Even better, you could spend a few years inside a mobile home, stuffing yourself with takeout until you stop fitting through the door. It would be like one of those exotic tequila bottles with the worm still in them.

Remarkably, even drunk annelids have more sense than little Timmy, since on the scale of things, being stuck in a bottle is not really as dangerous as being stuck in a tin can. At most you can drown.

Unfortunately, on the glorious day of October 16 a little demon imp playing around little Timmy's electric circuitry started a little fire. Normally, igneous procedure requires all fires to give overweight people stuck in tin cans a warning 24 months in advance of burning their ass, then repeat the warning 12 months before, then, if the fat slobs are still just as fat and slobby, pay for their therapy, including cosmetic breast surgery and at-home counseling. If all that fails to make the future victim realize the error of it's ways and lose weight, the fires are required to call the fire department at least one week before breaking out.

Unfortunately, this particular fire blatantly disregarded all the above procedure and just roasted poor Timmy. It was quite a sight too, with half a dozen neighbors trying to pull a behemoth out of his couch. They failed.

He burned.

The most amusing part is, he goes straight to hell for being a glutton. I hear what they do there is stick people in tin cans and roast them for all eternity. All things considered, it's what Timmy had chosen for a lifestyle anyway. Almost paradise.

13 fat people moved out of tin cans.

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this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures