Extreme !

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Extreme !

The newsman had the best story in a long time in his bag today. Let's get acquainted with Deleese Williams. Deleese Williams is ugly. Then again, with there being close to three billion placeholders for the unique and valuable human being here referred as " Deleese Williams" running around, you wouldn't be surprised they found an ugly one.

I am sure you can picture this ugly woman then. Let's see what's on your mind.

She's overweight.

Nope, not at all. As a matter of fact she looks around the 110 lb mark.

She has massive disfiguring scars.

Nah, not even a zit, at least nothing a cursory look reveals.

She has tumors, cysts, lice, leper, porphyria, bad psoriasis, the works.

No, none of these. She could star in some pretty decent homemade porn and you wouldn't even miss the airbrush

Oh for Pete's sake, what then ? Well, send the lil' ones to their rooms and I'll show you :

Mkay. You've seen worse. If I know you any, you probably dated worse. Where's the news in that ? Oh, but you don't understand, cruel world ! The producers of "Extreme Makeover" promised Deleese Williams "a Cinderella-like" fix for a deformed jaw, crooked teeth, droopy eyes and tiny boobs that would "transform her life and destiny.". You see the drama ? The big corporation promised the young, unendowed, poor girl a fix, and no ordinary fix mind you, but one that will come nowhere short of transforming her destiny. No more blow jobs and eggs over easy for her, it's going to be a lifetime of "I'm too hot for walking" from now on. Albeit, a bit late to start, but one should not check the gift horse's crooked teeth.

But disaster strikes. Just when Cinderella was all packed up awaiting the Destiny Bus, here comes the mean ol wolf. The show announcing Williams' selection for a mega makeover had already aired on Jan. 7, 2004, when the producers abruptly dropped her because the dental surgeon told them her recovery time would be longer than expected. Williams was alone in a Los Angeles hotel room reading her pre-op instructions when a producer showed up and dashed her dream of a new life with a "pretty" face. "You will not be getting an extreme makeover after all. . . . Nothing. It doesn't fit in our time frame. You will have to go back to Texas tomorrow," the suit alleges she was coldly told. Williams broke down sobbing: "How can I go back as ugly as I left? I was supposed to come home pretty,".

The agony ! They promised ! And now, they decided they won't do it after all ! The horror. She was not charged anything for this, in fact she got to stay in a LA hotel, and fly back and forth on company scrip, but that's not really important. She won't be getting what she wants, even if what she wants is really something very stupid like massive facial surgery that will take months to heal so she can "become Cinderella", and that's all that matters. Much like a twelve year old, that is costing you through his ears for everything from credit cards still maxed since he needed extra diapers a decade ago to his college fund a decade from now. All that is not really important. He won't get a new bike this year, and that's all that matters (and he hates you now). It's easy enough with the dumb kid, you just ground him indefinitely (in a cage if you have one handy), but what do you do with (presumed) adults, that already have families of their own ?

You might tell them to grow the fuck up. Freebies are freebies, they come with no guarantees, and the reason people at large don't plan to live on freebies is simply that they have this way of always turning to shit.

This being the United but Somewhat Litigious States of America (USlsA), you can almost hear the palpable "I'll see you in court" for earth hath no fury as a Cinderella denied. It is always in the preliminary filings that the story gets a lot better anyway. The 31-page complaint begins with the line "Deleese Williams is considered ugly.". It details a horrendous tale of pain and humiliation that began when she applied for the reality show in December 2003 and had to submit a "full body shot" video showing "all of the body parts that need help.". Conceivably any body part of any living organism can always use some help, so we can only send our heartfelt condolences to the poor people that had to review that submission, and who knows how many just like it.

However, they are the on the offending party, since it would seem the corporate dumping of this particular piece of trash back in the dumpster triggered her sister Kellie McGee's suicide, or at least so says a bombshell lawsuit filed in L.A. Superior Court.

As part of the premakeover hype, producers coaxed McGee and other family members to trash Williams' looks on videotape, the suit alleges. When they suddenly pulled the plug on the project, and the promised "Hollywood smile like Cindy Crawford," a guilt-ridden McGee fell apart. "Kellie could not live with the fact that she had said horrible things that hurt her sister. She fell to pieces. Four months later, she ended her life with an overdose of pills, alcohol and cocaine," said Wesley Cordova, a lawyer for Williams.

One can of course appreciate mr. Cordova's argument. Although in our limited experience, we have yet to see a single drug addict that has an attention span of four months, and although (also in our limited experience) we have yet to see a single person committing suicide by use of cocaine that was not a habitual user, this sort of fallacious, if sometimes practical reasoning is not permitted in the courthouse (if any reasoning is in fact permitted there at all). And so, the death of yet another innocent cocaine purveyor has stained the hands of that knot of greed and corruption that is corporate America.

For years, Williams' friends and family "didn't notice or pretended not to notice" her homely looks, but once she got picked for the show, they were coached to focus on nothing but her physical flaws, the suit says. In McGee's taped interview, she tried to play up her sister's good points. But the hard-nosed producers "peppered Kellie with questions about her childhood with the ugly Deleese . . . and repeatedly put words in her mouth," the suit says. It is clear and beyond any reasonable doubt they killed the poor girl as good as if they shot her. If they would stoop as low as to "put words in her mouth", what's to stop them from adding cocaine to the mix ?

The best part, however, is the following exercise in careful wording : To please the producers, Williams' mother-in-law also laid it on thick. "She said things like 'I never believed my son would marry such an ugly woman.'. One can for sure see how the mother in law would never, under any circumstances, in this particular marriage or in any other since the beginning of time offer such heartfelt criticism.

Unfortunately there is the pesky matter of all this never airing on TV, but presumably Williams somehow overheard them. Strange that she would have started to overhear them for the first time after the visit of the men in suits, but then again, visits like that do have a documented impact on people's hearing habits. Apparently ABC doesn't have the Men in Black anal probe/memory flash device handy, too bad for that entire line of speculation.

"Now that she returned in the same condition in which she left, there were no secrets, no hidden feelings, no reward," the suit says. And in doing so, it might well become the first lawsuit for the right of people to be lied to. There have been a few cases over the years, most notably divorces, over things like secrets and hidden feelings, but usually it goes the other way around. This might be the first time ever a plaintiff stands brash in court and yells "But your honor ! They all stopped lieing to me !"

So, as the benevolent being that I am, I wish to offer the following heartfelt passage to the family of Ms Williams, and to her, personally.

My dear girl, you should count your blessings. You are relatively not ugly. Especially when considering how stupid you are, beauty becomes an entirely insignificant matter. Perhaps next time you go rummaging through volunteering coupons, you may be as fortunate as to find something with "lobotomy" in it. That, if they actually find something to cut.

13 people'd hit it.

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