Evolution Needs Your Help

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Evolution Needs Your Help

Ever since the first amoeba accidentally appeared on your god forsaken planet, evolution was there. Some amoebas would die and some would survive. But, alas, it wasn't a random pick. The handicapped and retarded amoebas died and the fit and fiddly ones survived. Since being alive is pretty much a prerequisite for spewing offspring, and since offspring do tend to somewhat resemble their parents, a very odd thing happened. Amoebas would improve over time.

Now, I am aware you down there are too small and insignificant to dare have a system of values, and are forever stuck in pissy relativisms to the tune of "who am I to judge" and "everyone is right in his own way" and useless shit like that. And what else is to be expected from your sort of earthworms. But there are things like good amoebas and bad amoebas, and there are things like shitty people, and useless people, and people who aren't worth the cost of a decent burial, just like there are good people. Hmm... on second thought.... strike the later.

Fact of the mater is, most people currently alive are not worth half the piss they drink (not to mention the shit they eat), and that's clothes included. It is a fact. That of course wouldn't be much of a problem, if it weren't for things like Medicare and warning labels and safeties everywhere.

The problem with your kind right now is there are way too many idiots around, because you have gotten yourself deadlocked : the idiots still enter the pool unabated just like a thousand years ago, but they just can't exit the pool, in spite of their honest best effort. Thus they accumulate, threatening to choke everything with their sheer number.

I, in my universal wisdom, have calculated that there is no need, and indeed no good cause for there to be more than half a million human beings alive on the earth at any given moment. Everyone else is in fact an extra, doing nothing but clogging mass transit and filling landfills and getting perfectly good cement stuck in their cavities for no good reason. Disgusting. Incidentally, this means you have a raw chance of 12,999 in 13,000 or 99.99231% of being an extra. And considering that people who are actually good for something have better things to do than read this site right now, the odds are probably worse.

So, starting with the assumption that while you are a perfectly useless specimen of the human race, dumb ugly and uninteresting for anything and anyone, but all this through no fault of your own, I will help you understand how you can at least stop being in the way. It is not your fault you don't mean anything to anyone, but there is no reason to keep meddling, is there ? Everyone will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Consider you and four friends were hanging out in a bar and two beautiful girls came in. And sat down at your table. One really went into conversation with a friend of yours, the other sort of flirted with two others. That leaves you and another idiot out of it. So you try and you try to get in somehow, but it all falls flat. You're just too unattractive, saggy, unkempt and smelly to be of any interest, and your jokes are stale. Is it your fault ? Not really. But now, honestly, what do you do ? Keep trying and trying, making a fool of yourself until you are no longer just another loser at the table, but the night's entertainment ? Why ? Why not just go home and let the other guys score in peace ? After all, it's not their fault either, is it ? Not like they do it on purpose or anything. It's just how things work out.

In school, there were people with great SAT's, and there were people with decent SAT's, and then there was that slut who just schmoozed everyone. They all got into college. And then there's you. Scores shitty beyond belief, and the social savvy of an elephant on roller blades. What are you going to do then ? Sit around sending college applications for the rest of your life ? Get a janitor job on the campus so you can at least be close ? Why ? Why bother ? What is so great out there that you should offer yourself on a platter for it ?

Who cares ? Every year there are millions of schmucks who finish college. Every year there are billions of schmucks who flirt and take the girls home. So what ?

What good did it ever do anyone ? They still have to work for it. Most of them learn things by heart to have a chance with either activity, books and books worth of boring shit. Who cares ? Why should you bother ?

Fact of the matter is, you will never make a difference. Never. Not to anyone. Why bother ? Spend years and years doing things you don't want to do, learning, going to work, pretending like you have a relationship, putting up a front so maybe people will believe you are happy and your kids are anything more than the same old shit in a new shiny package. It's old. People know better by now. Everyone knows how shitty your life is and how hallow your pretense.

So, I ask you, what sort of insanity is this ? Work your back to the bone for decades, until the day you die, and all this for the privilege of being nothing and nobody ? Why bother ? Wouldn't it be a lot simpler if you just ended it now ?

That way you would have made a difference. The sooner you give it in, the less things you waste. Every day of your life costs electricity and plastic and oil and air and wood. Every minute of your life makes your planet a shittier place just by your sitting around.

Killing yourself will at least accomplish the goal of not wasting anything. Not anything worthwhile at any rate. You can just give it in, and cut your losses. When you meet saint Peter, he's gonna look at you and say... well... you didn't do anything with your life, just like all the other idiots who come here all the time. But at least you didn't stick around getting into everyone's way, just as soon as you realized there's nothing you can do there you came back. Bravo. Here's your Heaven Pass. Enjoy.

People will slowly come to understand this. There is no point in forever multiplying, until everything is just waste, pollution and fecal matter. There must exist a selection.

This is my gift to you. You are now empowered. For the first time in your insignificant life you can make a difference. You can be the embodiment of evolution. That is being almost divine, and closer to divinity than anyone else around you. By making that simple decision, to end a life that serves no purpose, you are as close to being god as any human can ever be. And by it, there will be something left behind you. There will remain the legacy of a person that was civilized enough, cultured enough, wise enough to make a decision. A correct decision.

Stop for a second and consider your present. Are you doing anything that nobody else could do, better than you even ? For five minutes in an 168 hours week, is there something that you and only you can do ? Do you even know why you're here ? Do you know what you are supposed to do even ? Does it all make any sense to you whatsoever ?

Pussies all around will be blabbering how suicide is not a solution and all that crap. But you know it's really because they just wouldn't dare. They are scared shitless someone might have some guts for a change.

Child molesters we used to call priests will tell you how god wouldn't like you doing yourself in. Did god ever talk to them ? Cause if you have a girlfriend that wont return your calls you ain't got a girlfriend. Did god ever talk to you, for that matter ? Now he is. You could at least pay attention.

Stop for a second and consider your future. Do you see something there, anything at all, that you could do to make a difference, to anyone else than just another idiot ? Not something that could possibly happen, but something you could do. No ? What are you waiting for ?

12 people are still waiting.

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this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures