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If you want to email me, READ CAREFULLY

A. If you want to send me hate mail :

I have vast powers, and they include moving people backwards through time. If you piss me off, I'll make you a virgin again.

Further, by emailing me anything at all, including but not limited to any original text and images, you give me a free, irrevocable and permanent license to reproduce at my sole discretion, for whatever purpose, at whatever time, for whatever period, in whatever media the entirety or any parts i chose of the material you email, with or without indication of source.
If you email me material you do not hold the copyright for you are in trouble, because by emailing me anything you state and represent that you have the right to grant me the above license without possible exception or injunction. Any losses or damages to any intellectual property arising from my use of material you have emailed is entirely your problem and responsibility.
I am entitled to give out your email for whatever purpose to any third parties, and I am entitled to publish your email on any websites I find fit, even if as a result you are or might be spammed, threatened or electronically attacked by third parties.
These rules are binding to you, in their entirety, and can be modified by me any time for whatever reason or for no reason at all. They will continue to be binding to you, even if you have not read the new version, and even if I have not written it anywhere.

Use this email address :fuckzenofeller@zenofeller.com

B. If you wish to send me fan mail :

If you are just a regular fan who wants to send me fan mail

  1. Check your spelling and please oh please write inteligible english in the common alphabet.
  2. Turn caps lock off.
  3. Do not give me advice, especially not legal advice unless you are a legal expert, material suggestions unless you are a famous comedian or subject suggestions unless you are a published author. You are none of the above, so don't.
  4. Do not give me feed back. You puny mortals can not understand enough of this world to have anything worthwile to say on the matter of the value of this website.
  5. Do not ask me for anything at all. I didn't do my own homework as a kid, so I wont consider doing yours. I date many slutty hot sexy girls, but I wont share because I am sure you either have herpes or cooties. I have plenty of money but I never donate any. Etc and so forth.
  6. Thank you.

Use this email address : zenofellerrules@zenofeller.com

If you are some sort of professional wanting to make contact for some sort of professional reason, for instance journalists, lawyers, editors and publishers

Please type your proffession in capital letters as the first word of the subject. You will get a little more attention that way.

Use this email address : zenofellerrules@zenofeller.com

C. If you want to ask me a question

Yes, as a superior transcedental being I know the past, the present and a significant portion of the future. Yes, I know what you had for breakfast, when you last masturbated and who spit in your sandwich. Wether I feel inclined to share that knowledge with you is another matter entirely. In my mercy, I will allow you to try your luck, by asking me one question which I might, maybe asnwer. At some point.

Use this email address : askzenofeller@zenofeller.com

 Attention - US Government Agencies

Important Information - Read before you make any requests. If you act on behalf of, representing an or in concert with an US Government agency, this information is legally binding to you.

Bellow you will find detailed the procedure to be followed when making any requests to the www.zenofeller.com site, it's administrator and representatives thereof. Failure to comply renders your request null and it will be ignored. You have been warned.

If for whatever reason you, acting on behalf of, representing an or in concert with an US Government agency intend to contact the site www.zenofeller.com site, it's administrator and representatives thereof you must follow the following procedure :

1. You are required to clearly state your name, the name of the agency you represent, your relation to it and the name of your supervisor.

2. A payment of a consideration fee of us$ 1,000.00 is required. Please enclose proof of payment with your inquiry. Any inquiry lacking acceptable proof will be automatically rejected. All fees are non refundable except where provided otherwise by applicable law, and refunds will only be made at a point in time ulterior to a definitive and legal binding judge order.

If you think, or have reason to believe you are entitled to free service, please mention this along with your request. We will review your application for free service, and if it applies you will receive a return check for the ammount paid, minus any applicable bank handling fees. This however does not waive your obligation to pay our fees before we consider your request.

3. State your request briefly. This part may not exceed 1000 characters.

4. Provide full legal background to support why we should consider your claim. Quote applicable law verbatim, in the most current form. title/paragraph only quotes are not acceptable. If your legal documentation is found to be lacking, incorrect, incomplete or if any part of it is irrelevant to your request, it will be denied.

5. Provide full case study explaining why and how your request would benefit the local comunity and the welfare and welbeing of at least three distinct minority/marginal groups.

6. You must include a minimum of three cute animal pictures. These must be precisely 1022 x 816 pixels, in jpg format, or your application will be rejected.

7. You must include 12 bathing suit pictures of the sexiest woman currently working on your floor. Absent these, or if the woman depicted is not sexy or is not scantily clad, your application will be rejected.

You may think this is a joke, but it is not. Obey.

I've turned 14 annoying teenagers into newts.

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