The Divine Guide to Human Sexuality.

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The Divine Guide to Human Sexuality.

In my benevolence, I have decided to aid beings of inferior understanding, and comparatively negligible experience, by putting together the ultimate, definitive, divinely-approved guide to humping. This guide assumes you have at least one partner. By partner I mean one other human, of the opposite sex (this is not because the heavens above would be biased against homosexuality, or for that matter, necrophilia, pedophilia, coprophilia and what have you. They are not, all of them being relatively current practice at most heavenly parties. However, partners of the same sex are beyond the scope of this basic introductory course, and will be covered later on. It is more your limited reading and comprehension skills that force this mordacious distinction.), and with whom you have established enough of a communication basis that you can actually discuss sexual matters.

For an inexperienced eye it would appear obvious that one does not need to build a specific communication basis for most broad issues they may want to discuss with every single other person they may wish to discuss it with. However, anyone having any experience breeding and raising humans knows that they are, as a rule, incapable to follow meaning without first taking such precautions. Therefore, do not presume that your wife or significant other will automatically take any discussion on the matters presented forthwith in it's proper sense. Common misconceptions include, but are not limited to : If you try to change position they decide you don't appreciate their fucking skills (which, obviously, are virtually absent, but that was not the point). If you try to introduce a new partner, they will feel as being relegated. If you suggest they suck off the family dog, they will take it personal. List is endless, really.

Symptoms of a communication break-down may include : the person sitting somewhere, very pale while opening and closing their mouth at short intervals. The person jumping or pacing around very flushed, while screaming and yelling various bits, usually not all that well articulated, and not necessarily following any logic, like various profanities, threats of all sorts, moral judgments based on not explicit moral codes and so forth. The person running away, hiding, locking themselves somewhere, leaving the family house partially dressed, starting work on packing and so forth.

Any of the above only prove you have been wasting your time so far, while thinking you were part of a relationship. You were being part of a convention, which is significantly different, because while a relationship is a matter of the parties making their own rules, a convention is a matter of the rules making their own parties. My most gracious advice to you in this case is to either encourage or force the other person to go about their business, and lock the door behind them.

One final note, for all the chickenshits out there : If you feel tempted to try the advice found herein, but hesitate because you suspect your partner would react according to the above, you disgust me. Your life time of trying to get both the chicks and the omelet is a monument of human futility, and the countless demons of the burning hells will certainly have a lot of fun with your pathetic ass. Grow a pair already and start doing what you will, rather than what you think others would have you do.

Now that we have a pair of people who can actually, more or less, communicate, here is what you have to do :

First off, get ready. Some important things to keep in mind :
You don't need a reason to have sex. If your partner thinks otherwise, you need a new partner. This isn't to be stupidly taken to mean that you necessarily must not have a reason, and must refuse each and all instances in which you actually do have a reason to have sex. Engaging in activities likely to lead to sex, such as watching porn, listening in on the neighbors, playing naked twister, going out drinking, visiting medieval torture chambers, going hiking or riding elevators is wholesome and encouraged.

You don't need a specific place or set-up to have sex. This isn't to mean you can't have a favorite place, maybe a wide bed, maybe a special room complete with two by fours, racks, cuffs, cameras, vibrators and whatnot. But not being in your place of preference is no reason to not have sex. The cinema bathroom, the parents' car or attic, the copy room, the monkey's cage at the zoo, the lobby of your local sex-a-holics anonymous chapter, the monastery lawn, the boring teacher's class are just highlights off an otherwise long list.

Attire. The female half of your happy couple should not wear trousers or that stupid sort of stockings that include pants and spell boring. Skirts and dresses are preferable by far, and if stockings are a must, then either the sort that stay up by themselves or a garter belt. If the climate forbids such extravagance, you need a new climate.

Hygiene. You should wash. Even if your partner loves the pungent smell of your armpits, or the pestilential odor of your toes, or the pernicious reek of your genitals, you are still best advised to keep clean most of the time, and only surprise them on occasions. That way, there will always be something to hope for.

It is advisable you use condoms, mostly because it is a lot easier to wash a cock than a cunt. You may think you don't care either way, but there is something about stale sperm two hours old that tends to put a premature stop to what might have been otherwise a luscious romp.

Further, it is advisable you wash your rectum, just in case it will be needed later on. This is a lot easier than it sounds, what you need is a rather large syringe and agreeably warm water (which usually comes out of the faucet, careful so it's not too hot). Fill the syringe, have your partner bend over and stick the business end of your syringe up their ass (delicately). Proceed to empty it. For the average mature person, the large intestine can safely keep two to three pints of water. You are advised to get at least half to at most one and a half pints in there. After having been watered sufficiently, your partner should sit on the toilet and pee off the wrong whole, which may be an amusing experience. This process is to be repeated until the water comes out clean. You have thus obtained a colonly-clean partner, which is next to heavenly, whom can be poked and probed now without any disagreeable matters sticking or coming out (if you are going to use fingers, make sure the nails don't protrude, for the love of god). This is, incidentally, a sensible thing to do a couple times each month, hygiene wise, whether you are or aren't going to have sex in the foreseeable future, and one of the ideal ways to handle constipation (just let the water sit there for a few minutes).

Now that you are all prepared, lets go into the pulp :

Oral sex. This is an absolute must. If you don't suck it regularly, your tits will become saggy, you will get cellulites, your children will do poorly in school and your parents will get divorced. Also, your car will randomly stop in the middle of nowhere and snakes will crawl in your bed at night.

Anal sex. This is also a must. If you don't take it up you ass, you might as well give up all pretense and wear a bumper sticker reading “Frigid Bitch” or “Pussy Boy”, as the case may be. Take into consideration that the anus is no vagina, vigorous, fast stroking is not exactly what it likes, and it direly needs lubrication.

The family pet. While not technically a must, its a great way to start up to the pro's league. Most people prefer dogs, especially the larger breeds for this role, but billy goats, sheep, even iguana's and horses have been reportedly used with great success. The great advantages of the pet is that it doesn't have all the silly “morals” to fuss over, and it's unlikely to let some little secret slip at the office. The disadvantages mostly lie with the fact it doesn't follow English instructions all that well. However, practice and a little understanding of animal psychology (either that or dipping everything in honey) will work wonders.

A male specimen is to be preferred. You can completely let loose, give it a blowjob while riding your partner's cock, get the dog to mount you while you suck your partner's cock (especially if it's not a very big dog, anal sex is probably the best way to go. Careful with the bulge), let the dog lap away at your clit while your partner fucks it or sucks it off, the possibilities are really endless. One word of caution however. Man's best friend and, as the case may be, your circumstantial sex partner, might get a mistaken representation about just how sexually enlightened other people are, especially visitors. Make sure it's leashed securely if someone comes for lunch someday who might not appreciate the humor of the situation, like, for instance, your skirt wearing boss and a few clients.

Machinery and contraptions. While, again, not technically a must, they are an excellent way to squeeze the last drop of ecstasy. Let's go over their blessed diversity :
Racks, chains, handcuffs, ropes, pulleys etc. are there to ensure the partner doesn't change their mind mid-act. Often enough it may be the case people don't have the foresight to understand the great pleasures that await the bold, so you can ensure their boldness for them. Either that, or the fact they can't run anyway. Think about it like a trip to the dentist. It might be undesirable for the five minutes (to two hours) it lasts, but the long term benefits far exceed the momentary..eh... discomfort, shall we say, and this is why people do go to the dentist's. Just so, people should go on your rack.

Whips, canes and so forth. The opposite of pleasure is pain, and quite frankly one can't live without the other. These ensure the survival of pleasure by promoting pain, and therefore are good in the eyes of the lord.

Vibrators of all sorts. They are an absolute must. There is simply no way to avoid using these, other than going for the real thing and enlisting the help of a few more live cocks. Panties with a vibrating bullet (while the other holds the remote) are a most piquant way to spend an evening in town.

Clothing. Latex tops. Leather skirts and pants. Stiletto heels. Lipstick and body paint. Wrought metal dresses. Everything goes.

Accessories. Retractors. Scalpels. Needles, pins and clothes pins. Colonoscopy cameras. Pumps and pipes. Everything that makes you feel good.

Mirrors and cameras. What's the point of doing something if you can't see it, ideally forever ? You must videotape your sexual activities for the posterity. Think that at some point you will be old and skin will hang everywhere, and having crisp clear footage of your better days will be such great comfort. And think of all the accidents that can result in your acting becoming a matter of public concern. Taping is an absolute must.

Alas, you seem in dire need of a bit of practice now. Go with my blessings, and know that eventually I will take pity on your kind again, and provide with further instructions, in my grace.

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this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures