Cops are Plebs.

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Cops are Plebs.

Back in the 50's, having a cop on the beat was a pretty useful thing. He would keep an eye on the kids playing so they don't get run down by a car. He would pick up mail accidentally dumped on the sidewalk and stick it in the proper mailbox. He would help someone with a dead engine push his car out of the way. He'd carry drunks home and sometimes even clean their puke. Every now and again, he'd chase a shoplifter or arrest a couple hotheads in a brawl. It used to make sense having them, back then. Among all the shop boys and mailmen and maids and porters, policemen had their own place, and were earning their salt.

Then somehow the movies slowly starting to push the policeman figure to the center view. He was no longer this uneducated servant type that made a wee bit over minimum wage, he gets to be the hero. I could explain how this came to be, how the love and puff generation of pussies that followed forced the poor policeman from his quaint role as streetwalker to that of neighborhood bully.

What policemen do nowadays is tase 70 year old grannies carrying their groceries and 7 year old girls playing hopscotch. They sit around in loud herds in front of the local Dunkin Donuts. They break into houses and contaminate evidence to the point homicidal maniacs like OJ Simpson can walk out of court. When they don't break into houses, they shoot people by accident. And when they aren't doing either, it's because they are way too busy doing valuable things like beating up people right and left, when they aren't off and away terrorizing fringe groups like gays and Hispanics and people with speech impediments.

When that isn't enough, mysterious things happen, such as "A convicted murderer awaiting execution at San Quentin State Prison has died of an apparent heroin overdose, making him California's first inmate to OD on Death Row." (july 10th, 2005). Obviously, on top of all that, they snoop around your garbage, try to pry your email box open, ask stupid questions, give asinine answers, move about all puffed up and generally act like tough shit.

If you yell "Thief!" in a crowd where there's a few policeman, some guy will get stomped. You can be sure of one thing, it won't be the thief. It won't be anyone looking tough. It won't be the police commissioner, or his brother or their aunt, or anyone in a 1,500 dollar suit with a briefcase that says lawyer. It's going to be some pathetic asshole shitting his pants. Because, first and foremost policemen are cowardly pussies.

Which is where the gist of the problem lies. Policemen today are still just as uneducated, dumb, smelly as 50 years ago. They still make shit for pay. They still are where society dumps everyone that can't be employed productively in any manner whatsoever. But unfortunately, because of all the jazz on the TV, they think they are a sort of flying and seeing through walls super woman/power puff girls combo. Add to that a pinch of misguided patriotism, a la Aryan nation and you have a good idea of what goes on in a cop's head, when it isn't sweating.

You don't quite believe the police station is the garbage dump of society ? Well then, let us take a short detour and dwell on the matter some :

What does it take to become a police officer ? Here is the typical job sheet :

21 years of age at the date of the written examination

Citizen of the United States of America

High school degree or its equivalent

No felony convictions

No illegal drug possession or use outside departmental policy

Driving record that meets the City's insurance requirements

Appropriate valid drivers license upon application

20/200 visual acuity correctable to 20/20 in both eyes

Ability to visually recognize and distinguish colors normal peripheral vision and normal depth perception

Ability to distinguish sounds encompassing a full range of tones and volumes

Sooo, the motherfucker has to be able to sorta see and kinda hear, have a driver license and actually finished high school. No, wait. They take equivalents. Essentially, he should have just enough sense to walk out of the rain. Splendid. You may think that is a minimal requirement, but people on the job are actually always better than that, and you would be wrong. If your average rocket scientist would apply for this job, he'd be told he is overqualified and not get it. Simple as pie. Fact of the matter is, in any particular job you will find people who marginally fit the job requirements. And that at the time of the hiring.

If that's not enough proof, let me say they make roughly 20-30k a year. For comparison, a portable toilet route driver/serviceman makes 15$ an hour, that is roughly 20-30k a year. And they are typically required to have some high school, some vision and some smell sense. Oh, and a driver's license. Can you say squad car ?

Oh, but most policemen have degrees, right ? Sure. My dog has degrees too. They get it the same place, ever seen junk like this before ?

As I was saying, the problem is that while the policeman is just as stupid, ignorant and poor as he always was, he is somehow expected to fill in the hero role that cops in movies (who aren't really cops, or poor) cut out for him. Does it work ? Could it work ? Has all that ever stopped any idiot from trying ?

So there they are, trying. It costs a lot of money and it drives people nuts, but at least it keeps a large contingent of patent idiots more or less sand boxed. This doesn't quite explain why policemen are actually issued firearms. What do they need firearms for ? And more importantly, why should a group of people be allowed to carry weapons ? If they encounter any event that would reasonably require the use of weapons, like a bank robbery or somesuch, they are required to call for backup. If indeed they end up in a situation where gunfire is reasonable, they are dead meat, being unarmored and armed with puny pistols. The bad guys carry submachine guns and precision rifles these days. Who in the world would face that with a pathetic revolver ? The only things policemen could reasonably achieve with their weapons is either shoot civilians or have the guns stolen by some maniac. What a glorious prospect. English bobbies were unarmed for decades, it doesn't seem to have worked out that bad for them. And the cases of shot policemen are very rare, comparatively. In fact, the only time policemen were issued weapons there ended up in the subway slaughter.

Of course, nothing lasts forever, and the good times may well be behind, what with the financial mess Bushy's war games plunged the country into. Everything possible is cut back, and so are amenities for 40 year old kids. It used to be they got cruisers. Nowadays, they get

Why, you ask ? Why not give them scooters ? Those are ridiculous enough and cheap enough, it should be a reasonable balance. Well, they tried that. Looky what happened

Last I heard, golf carts were being considered. Wouldn't that be a fun thing to see, high speed golf cart chasing. At least nobody would be interested to steal police cars anymore, which seems to be the only way to take care of that problem.

But until golf carts are given the go ahead, there exists a simpler, more cost efficient solution

16 policemen don't think I'm too funny.

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this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures