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Being a seasoned traveler with maybe 50,000 Kms under my belt and close to three years spent in a dozen countries, I obviously fancy myself nothing short of an authority in the field.
Which puts me in very shoddy company. The US Department of State also fancies itself nothing short of an authority in the field. At least when they get enough time off from questioning ten year olds with dubious president-drawing talents. Unpleasantly enough, their advice to travelers is painfully dissonant with experience, common sense and half the time, reason. Let's take a look at the "Tips for Traveling Abroad" web page they dutifully maintain right on travel.state.gov. This would supposedly be a helpful brochure also available in electronic form, that would, inasmuch as it is possible for a helpful brochure, even if available in electronic form, help the average citizen enjoy an average, sudden death-free trip. PRECAUTIONS TO TAKE WHILE TRAVELING Safety on the Street Use the same common sense traveling overseas that you would at home. Be especially cautious in or avoid areas where you are likely to be victimized. These include crowded subways, train stations, elevators, tourist sites, market places, festivals [...] Apparently, common sense dictates that Americans avoid market places at home and tourist sites abroad. Festivals are certainly out. What happens if you're in Munchen on say Sept 27 - October 3 ? Live in abandoned tunnels ? Wear the shoulder strap of your bag across your chest and walk with the bag away from the curb to avoid drive-by purse-snatchers. It would also be a great statement of personal style. Also, lockable pocket protectors add that certain je ne sais quoi indispensable for maintaining the American Tourist air going. A certain ineffable grace, an empyreal allure that foreigner barbarians never fail to notice and be impressed with. Try to seem purposeful when you move about. Even if you are lost, act as if you know where you are going. This seems to be great advice, quite possibly culled from the Department of State Employee Guide. Careful around poles tho. Keep your hotel door locked at all times. Meet visitors in the lobby. I hear they have special blow job booths in France, just for wacky American's that won't do it in the hotel room like civilised people. Safety on Public Transportation Trains. Do not accept food or drink from strangers. Criminals have been known to drug food or drink offered to passengers. Criminals may also spray sleeping gas in train compartments. Where possible, lock your compartment. If it cannot be locked securely, take turns sleeping in shifts with your traveling companions. If that is not possible, stay awake. If you must sleep unprotected, tie down your luggage, strap your valuables to you and sleep on top of them as much as possible. Basically, if someone sprays sleeping gas in your train compartment, it's probably the CIA trying to act as "local criminals". And we know local criminals spray sleeping gas in train compartments because we read it on the Department of State website. In fact, all over Other Countries, you can just buy sleeping gas at the pharmacy, without prescription, by simply showing your Local Criminal Identification Tag. Safety When You Drive When you rent a car, don't go for the exotic; choose a type commonly available locally. [...] Be sure your vehicle is in good operating condition in case you need to resort to high-speed or evasive driving. Rent a car type commonly available locally that will allow you to do high speed evasive driving. Therefore Germany is then the only country in which American Tourists can safely rent cars. Don't leave valuables in the car. If you must carry things with you, keep them out of sight locked in the trunk. This will ensure that you will not realise anything has been stolen for a good few hours. The trunk also offers the advantage of being accessible without bothering you. Finally, nobody ever heard of putting anything in the trunk, so it's always the last place thieves look in. Never pick up hitchhikers. Because you're a very nice person that wants to get to know the people and the country you're visiting. Be suspicious of anyone who hails you or tries to get your attention when you are in or near your car. Actually, hell with it. Be suspicious of everyone, forever more. Caution, noble citizen! Outside our borders be fire-breathing dragons! Always employ our special suppositories that allow us to track your every movement and dispatch "rescue" teams to drag your rotting, shredded corpse back home after it's been eaten alive by the strange and mysterious foreigner tribes. When you are in a foreign country, you are subject to its laws and are under its jurisdiction - NOT the protection of the U.S. Constitution. Unless, of course, you are traveling to Aruba. In that fortunate case, you are not subject to any laws, or even common sense, but moreover you find yourself under the high protection of Nil O'Reilly. You can be arrested overseas for actions that may be either legal or considered minor infractions in the United States. [...] More than 1/3 of U.S. citizens incarcerated abroad are held on drug charges. Indeed we could safely say that drugs are either legal or considered minor infractions in the United States. Bad as this "tip-sheet" was so far, it amply benefits from the post World Trade Center intelligence fiasco. Terrorism Terrorist acts occur unpredictably and at random, making it impossible to protect yourself absolutely. Also, to this day we still don't think anyone could have predicted they were going to use a plane as a missile. They don't even look alike for chrissakes. The first and best protection is to avoid travel to unsafe areas where there has been a persistent record of terrorist attacks or kidnapping. This because terrorist attacks occur unpredictably and at random, always at the same times in the same places. The vast majority of foreign states have good records of maintaining public order and protecting residents and visitors within their borders from terrorism. I suppose this would not include the United States. Ironically, it would certainly include North Korea, and quite possibly Iran. Most terrorist attacks are the result of long and careful planning. This, to make things as unpredictably random as possible. As von Neumann has proven, randomness requires planning. Just as a car thief will first be attracted to an unlocked car with the key in the ignition, terrorists are looking for defenseless, easily accessible targets who follow predictable patterns. This because, in spite of being long and carefully planned, terrorists acts are a based on the spur of the moment. The chances that a tourist, traveling with an unpublished program or itinerary, would be the victim of terrorism are slight. You are therefore well advised to make sure none of the other passengers is keeping a blog before boarding a plane. If you have doubts, reschedule for a later flight. They don't seem to be aware that in about half a dozen places up to this point, the advice has been to tell people about your itinerary, plans and whereabouts, including 2 paragraphs down : Register with the nearest U.S. embassy or consulate through the State Department's travel registration web site at https://travelregistration.state.gov. Registration will make your presence and whereabouts known in case it is necessary to contact you in an emergency. This because the chances of someone with an unpublished itinerary being the victim of terrorist are slight. The following pointers may help you avoid becoming a target of opportunity. They should be considered as adjuncts to the tips listed in the previous sections on how to protect yourself against the far greater likelihood of being a victim of crime. These precautions may provide some degree of protection, and can serve as practical and psychological deterrents to would-be terrorists. We are so impressed that the Department of State has cracked the mystery of psychologically deterring would-be terrorists, and what's better, any American could do it, using only common household items. Avoid obvious terrorist targets such as places where Americans and Westerners are known to congregate. Or maybe they're just on crack. As much as possible, avoid luggage tags, dress and behavior that may identify you as an American. When did being an American become such a mark of shame that has to be absolutely hidden at all costs ? Avoid predictable times and routes of travel [...] If possible, travel with others. Essentially, the ideal traveler will be traveling at random in certain places with others unpredictably and avoid places where they're going. Simple, isn't it ? Formulate a plan of action for what you will do if a bomb explodes or there is gunfire nearby. 1. yell "yoyoma" 2. soil pants 3. remove pee from shoes Select your own taxicabs at random. Don't take a vehicle that is not clearly identified as a taxi. Compare the face of the driver with the one posted on his or her license. It is frequently the case that someone who stole a cab for the purpose of tricking you has neglected to remove the previous driver's mug. Check for loose wires or other suspicious activity around your car. Seriously, do you regularly check for loose wires around your car ? What is with this loose wires obsession already ? Loose wires correlate with bombs to about the same degree hair gel correlates with getting laid. Drive with car windows closed in crowded streets. Bombs can be thrown through open windows. Bombs however can not be thrown through closed windows. It has long been scientifically established fact that closing doors stops fires and closing windows stops EVERYTHING. Hijacking/Hostage Situations While every hostage situation is different, some considerations are important to keep in mind. The U.S. government's policy is firm. We will negotiate, but not make concessions How exactly does one negotiate without making concessions ? Avoid resistance and sudden or threatening movements. Do not struggle or try to escape unless you are certain of being successful. Also, avoid making sense unless you're certain you can't get away with it. At any rate, don't trade stocks unless you're certain you will make a profit. Don't board a plane unless you're certain it's not going to crash and don't buy matches unless you're certain they will light. Make a concerted effort to relax. How does that work ? Prepare yourself mentally, physically and emotionally for the possibility of a long ordeal. Oh, I see. Make a concerted effort to relaxingly shit bricks. Establish a daily program of mental and physical activity. Don't be afraid to ask for anything you need or want - medicines, books, pencils, and papers. Eat what they give you, even if it does not look or taste appetizing. A loss of appetite and weight is normal. Did they just advise hostages to eat pencils and papers ? Even if they don't look nor taste appetizing ? What's this, psychological warfare ? I can almost see the terrorists. Hey Terror-Friend Joe, you know what happened ? No, Terror-Friend Mike, what happened ? Well, Terror-Friend Joe, that guy with the funny purse across his chest and the lockable pocket protectors asked me for a pen and paper. So what did you do, Terror-Friend Mike ? Well, the boss was doing his eyebrow with ours so I went all the way across town to Terror Squad Charlie to find the other pen, and gave it to the sorry fuck. And what happened then ? He ate it !! Oh my God, these people are above and beyond anything we could ever match, we must immediately release all of them and turn ourselves in to their embassy! When a U.S. citizen becomes the victim of a crime overseas he or she may suffer physical, emotional, or financial injuries. You don't say. Shocking, isn't it ? There's plenty more, but I tire. Safe travels. 11 people just realised the Department of State is manned by monkeys. |