Brace Yourselves, Halloween is Here.

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Brace Yourselves, Halloween is Here.

It's a time-honored Halloween ritual: children getting dressed up as scary creatures and going knocking on doors. Possibly doors of strangers. As in people they have never met before... at least not very much.

Each year, police and medical centers across the country follow another ritual, X-raying candy to check for razors, needles, or other objects that might have been placed there to hurt or kill innocent children.

If you are a mother reading these lines, this may well be your last chance. What if someone sprayed your children's Hershey bar with nuclear waste ? Do you realize that roughly five tons of radioactive material have been lost in the US and never recovered ? And we're not talking two bit Uranium type waste, that you may swallow a gram of and survive to tell the tale. We're talking plutonium-239, cesium-130, strontium-81, all the horrors that can rend flesh off the bone in milliseconds.

Alright, so Sr and Cs aren't much used in the US, it's mostly a Russian delight... but can you trust the government ? Would they really want to tell you that there's tons of pure death unaccounted for ? That for all they know, every single gram of it could end up in Halloween Hershey Bars ?

And that's just the beginning. What if some sick guy out there is working at the castor oil plant ? What if he takes all the ricin powder home ? What if he saves it especially for Halloween ? Ok, so maybe there is no such plant anywhere near. What if he buys it off the Internet ? What if the aliens ship it for him ?

Maybe your next door neighbour was bullied around a lot while growing up ? What if your oldest son looks just like Butch, the bully ? Are you willing to take the risk and expose your kids to the whims of some unstable weirdo ? He could put pins and tacks in the fudge, these things happen all the time. No, but seriously, your cousin had a friend who knew someone at work, and it happened to them, right ?

What if your kids happen to cross paths with an unruly mob of Skull and Crossbones clubbists ? They could be bludgeoned to death ! What if they accidentally knock on the door of the Vampire BDSM club ? Those sick perverts might pump your kids full of rohypnol and tear them brand new assholes. It's time for the visual aids.

Just kidding. I'll spare you, this time. What good are pictures when I get to put the buttons of a hysterical middle aged woman's imagination ?

So, Ms. PicketFences, when you're done foaming and frothing about all the dangers and perils the outside world has prepared for your otherwise precious litter, we could move on to the facts.

Fact #1. The point of being alive is to be doing things. Kids need to sample the world as it is not as you'd like it to be, or else you're as bad as any nerd surviving on a diet of pizza and non stop manga porn.

Fact #2. There have been a few instances of candy tampering over the years-and in most cases the "victim" turned out to be the culprit, children doing it as a prank or to draw attention. With virtually no exceptions, no child has been killed or seriously harmed by contaminated Halloween candy.

Fact #3. Despite e-mail warnings, scary stories, and Ann Landers columns to the contrary, there have been only two confirmed cases of children being killed by poisoned Halloween candy, and in both cases the children were killed not in a random act by strangers but intentional murder by one of their parents.

No, seriously. The best-known, "original" case was that of Ronald Clark O'Bryan, who killed his son by lacing his Pixie Stix with cyanide in 1974. It was Mr. PicketFences all along, which brings us to inevitably to

Fact #4. Children are in far more danger from being hit by a car on a dark street.

and much more importantly,

Fact #5. Statistically, in the vast majority of cases children are harmed, they are harmed by their immediate family.

So, if you really want to do something for the safety of your kids, you could teach them how to cross the street, and more importantly you could stop the arguments with the Mr. Easier said than done, as I'm sure you will agree, and besides it's so much fun to put up a hypocritical facade of "caring for the safety of your kids", especially when it only needs to be manifested once a year, and it's not like it makes you go much out of your way anyway.

What a little bitch you are.

13 bits of candy contain no poison whatsoever.

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