Being on Death Row.

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Being on Death Row.

You'd think being on death row sucks. I mean, it's where they put you before killing you, right ? Just about now, the surprises start registering.

Let's go through the process. Say you go out tomorrow, pick up a 12 year old and ram her head in the police headquarters, right about noon. Hmm... that might actually be the perfect crime, my bad. Again from the top.

Let's go through the process. Say you go out tomorrow, pick up a 12 year old and ram her head in the local Dunkin Donuts wall. Child dies. Remarkably, a cop just so happens to be nearby, and he sees you. So do all the other cops that also just so happen to be nearby. So does every single officer on the force, even people that were on leave, sick pay or appearing in court. After all, I did say "around noon".

You're in for it now, buster. They all start yelling and screaming and thumping their real men chests with real men hairs all grown out. You shuddup and put your hands here and there and behind your head and in the air and get on the ground and whatever else they scream. After a good hour of showmanship you are actually taken to a cell. Considering it was only around the corner (all Police Stations always have a DD right around the corner, it's the law.) it makes for a rather slow delivery of justice. Not to mention one hour after smashing an innocent 12 year old's head in a concrete wall, scattering brain all over doughnuts, you are still alive.

Actually, food is just about to arrive. They have a catering service, so you actually are getting more for your buck than the policemen that arrested you. Wait, hang on. It's not your buck anyway, it's theirs. Cheers.

It's now been six hours since your smashing an innocent 12 year old's head in a concrete wall, creating an intriguing piece of artwork. You go to sleep. And oddly enough, you wake up the next morning. Marvelous, more catering. On the downside, there's no new socks, but you hate new socks anyway.

Depending on how fast the DA can get their asses into gear... No, wait. Again from the top.

Depending on whether the present DA wants to run for governor, and on how the demographics work out (ie was the little girl black or white or what ? are you Hispanic ? do you look ferocious enough ?) it might be days, weeks or months until you make it to trial. It usually ends up being a month or so. Thus, one month after making veal brain saute out of some guy's daughter, you are still just sitting around.

Now it's time to give something back to society. News reporters flock to the courthouse, you get filmed, displayed, they are calling your high school principal, ex neighbours, they are going to make your life into a TV movie. Everyone profits. By now the brain has been scraped off the wall.

You sit through all this, scribbling pieces of paper and making funny pictures of the judge, just like you did of Mr Rogers in Math. Boy you hated math. This is just as boring. It's been close to six months now, but since the court appointed defense wants to make it out of court appointment defense and someday open their own practice, so much shit has been filed on your behalf it would take anyone a truck just to carry it around.

Eventually they get around to sentencing. Spring had turned into summer, summer into autumn, and autumn into winter, then winter gave both spring and summer a miss, and turned straight back into autumn. You are still living off catering. You also have Cable TV. And new socks. Which you hate. All this is starting to get on your nerves.

Now suppose your name was Charles Victor Thompson, and you killed someone back in 1999. It's been 6 years now, and they just can't seem to make their damned minds already. And in the meanwhile, they insist to change your socks. Every day. This is unbearable. What to do ?

Simple enough, you walk out. You think I jest, of course. I do not. Let's hear Lt. John Martin.

"There were a number of points where this could have been prevented. In this incident, there were a series of lapses. The one thing that is evident about this incident is that it is 100 percent human error and absolutely could have been avoided."

The guy is explaining how someone on death row, who has by now survived our hypothetical 12 year old above by roughly half that interval just walked out. It stands to reason they need to add a few people to death row just about now.

The real funny part is precisely how this all happened. Thompson slipped out of his handcuffs, changed from his orange jumpsuit into street clothes and walked away after showing guards identification indicating he worked in the state attorney general's office.

Sexy, isn't it ? You can only hope one day you stumble on some discarded wallet somewhere with identification showing you are the US President, and then you get to ride the jet. Heck, what harm can you do ?

Added for your convenience, the jail has surveillance cameras but no video recorders. It isn't known whether Thompson escaped in a vehicle or on foot. Also, the jail has guards but they have no heads, and they have guns but no bullets, and cocks with no balls and all this grandiose edifice squarely rests on laws with no point.

In conclusion, Lt Martin wants to say that "We will be looking at our security procedures, we will be determining what procedures simply were not followed and we will also be attempting to determine whether we need to implement stronger procedures or additional security procedures."

It is improbable they need to implement stronger procedures. There is no degree of strength that can help this case. You don't take people to the moon by breeding stronger donkeys. You don't glue a piece of paper by using stronger solvent solutions. You don't improve the graphical performance of a PC by making stronger tower cases.

What they would reasonably need is to get rid of procedures altogether and start using some sense. I am sure it will take throwing out a few city ordinances and such, but it might just be worth the hassle, at least in the long run. Either that, or they could order new banners for the jail house, something along the lines of "Day Care".

In the meanwhile, Mr Thompson is somewhere or other, Lt Martin is making nice for the camera, and Wynona Donaghy has been advised to go into hiding. Who is Wynona Donaghy you may ask ? Well, it so happens she is the unfortunate woman who provided the veal. If all this makes perfect sense to you, I guess you're an American. God bless.

There's 14 executed convicts had more fun during the execution than during the crime.

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this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures