Action Movies Suck.

The Old Bat
Takes a Swing At

TURKEY
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MEXICO
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EGYPT
The Pyramids are Forever. Your life is not.

TURKEY
Bosphorus, the Water between Three Continents

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Action Movies Suck.

I'm already sick of them. This sole cop single handedly averts a world class disaster in spite of his condescending boss, with the help of his trusty sidekick Tinklebell. With the mandatory bomb disarming scene, you know, the bright yellow counter that the terrorists/drug cartel people/mad scientist/granma conviniently provided, not only so the cop knows how much time there's left, but so that you, miserable couch potato worms, can see how close your fucking doom was. And there's nothing you could do about it. Lucky you have the sole cop and his trusty sidekick, Tinklebell.

Or this martial arts freak that keeps running into dozens of fucking idiots, conveniently arranged so he can bump their heads together. This guy is not usually saving the world, he's saving his daughter or wife or some such meaningless shit. Right before he gets to confront his arch nemesis, Neme for short, who twenty years before killed his wife or daughter or some such shit using an electric pencil sharpener, or got him fired, or ate his lunch.

And of course, everyone's favorite, the sole martial artist cop who averts a world class disaster while trying to save his kidnapped daughter and wife and dragon punching an earth threatening meteorite, in spite of his condescending boss and disregarding all the department's meteorite punching procedures, for the greater good. Which greater good he and only he can understand and apply, with the help ofcourse of his curvy sidekick that mostly contributes the boobies.

It's so fucking stupid I just can't understand how the actors manage to keep a straight face. Seriously, how do they do it ? Punching meteorites and disarming bombs by cutting a fucking wire. Any of you could just read three websites on bomb making and make one that will blow the martial cop all the fucking way to the moon, with his sidekick and boss, along with the producer and the director of the respective bit of sewage, and it would take no fucking red wires. And will you put a counter on it ? But no, let's say for a minute you are the perverse sort, and put a big bright yellow counter on the thing. Will you put in the effort to set the timer right ? Just like you set your VCR timer, right ? Wouldn't that be a cool action film, the chief idiot handling the counter and 15 seconds before 0, booom. His brains scattered all over the moon, forming the letters YOU LOOSE, plainly visible from outer space. Then again, that would actually take some brains, you can forget about it.

What's more, I can't fucking understand who pays to see NEW action movies. You've seen one, you've seen them all. What's to see ? Back in the 30's it was the caped villain always turning his pointy moustache and speaking with a funny accent. Dudley Doright always handled him. That became the nazi's in the 40's, and in the 50's the mad scientist took over. Seeing how the not so mad scientist is really the only reason your sorry ass isn't Arbeit Macht Frei-ing around, that strikes me as a bit on the ungratefull side. But then again, such is the viewer, as the Hollywood folks like to say. Then in the 70's it was the drug cartel baddies, and in the 90's it was already slowly switching to "terrorists". The bombs used to be some mechanical impaling device, just about ready to stick a yardpole up whatever blonde's ass, which then turned to idiotic shit like the polar cap melter ray, which in turn morphed into the "bomb" which is now a "nuclear" device of some sort, to be more precise, of some sort that can't possibly exist.

Figures, if I built a nuclear bomb it would be sitting around some warehouse/office/basement, it wouldn't be in a fucking truck. I like my destructive devices bolted down to my own property. Let alone that every single bomber in history had his bomb placed in some sort of moving object. You are too stupid to think, and they know it by now.

Which takes us to the most interesting part of movies, called reality. You know, what happens after you turn off the TV, or as the case may be, after you leave the theatre. Name the one cop that single handedly averted the Oklahoma city bombing by cutting the red wire. What was it again ? Oh, you forget his name ? Me too. But who was the brave soul that caught the Unabomber, in spite of his condescending boss, right before the freak sent a dozen explosive packages through the mail, and right before the same freak identified himself to the media ? Oh, no, wait, he was caught after the fact, wasn't he. But of course.

Who was the martial artist that single handedly beat the shit out of a dozen unwashed Koran thumping idiots, located in five different planes in flight at the time. What a feat to behold, plane hopping, while the planes are airborne. Luckily we had the hero on our side, because otherwise them planes might have struck some tall building, maybe even the Pentagon. No, wait, they did strike a couple tall buildings. And the Pentagon. Where was the martial artist again ? I know, the government must have digitally removed him from the picture, it's all a massive conspiracy. He saved the day but they are jealous and won't give him credit.

In fact, try and name one instance when a cop saved the day. It doesn't have to be single handedly, it doesn't have to be in spite of his boss, condescending or otherwise. He doesn't have to be a martial artist beating up dozens of guys at the same time. I'm even willing to do away with the curvy side kick. Name one instance when a cop did something useful. Anything at all.

What cops do is sit around while people on death row just walk out of high security (heh) compounds. They electrocute 6 year old girls and beat up 70 year old women. They steal the coke from the evidence room, and run their own meth labs in the back yard. They have no measurable impact on crime whatsoever, by their own measuring. Actually, the only reason policemen still exist today is the fast food chains lobby. Most of their day is spent filling paperwork and sitting around in the squad car. On the average, each cop discharges a weapon 0.01 times a year, of which with reasonable cause or for reasonable purpose 0.00 times. The other thing cops manage to do is get killed, at the rate of about 50 to 100 thousand each year. Seeing how the death penalty claims anywhere between 1 and 10 criminals each year, I'd say the cops are loosing.

The first and foremost thing any half decent martial arts instructor teaches you is to stay the fuck out of trouble. You know, as in if you see a bunch of people carrying lead pipes, take a turn. You don't belong there. And yet, we have yet to see any action movie lead ever trying to stay out of trouble. Which means any half decent martial arts instructor would 1) kick their ass for being idiots and 2) throw them out of the dojo for being idiots, in some order.

Now how did the cop that's not a cop by any standards and the karate thaiboxer who would get thrown out of virtually any dojo manage to become such icons, of copness and martialness and humanity in general ?

By you being a fucking idiot, that's how.

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