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There's a group of people that suffer from a rare, debilitating mental condition
that practically places them outside any form of meaningful social interaction,
although they themselves are virtually never aware of it. They're called liberals.
Not much I can do for them.
There is another group of people, however, that don't suffer from anything in particular, yet so called doctors and other "professionals" felt the urge to create a new syndrome, and along with it, a new market for even more useless yet expensive drugs and billable time. The pseudo disease is called Asperger's syndrome, sufferers are called aspies and so called doctors are called quacks, although they prefer to be called shrinks. The main symptom of Asperger's syndrome, other than asparagus coming out of your arse, is a slight inability to comprehend colloquial language, or moreover, an inability to make the same gratuitous assumptions and logic errors the average idiot makes. To ruin things for both snake charmers posing as doctors and snake oil salesmen posing as legitimate business, I threw together this list of equivalents. It's a calibration tool, if you will. It contains just enough examples of how normal people misthink, so you can infer the patterns and be able to follow their crippled reasonings without further problems. So from now on, if anyone tries to sell you their time and drugs under the asparagus pretext, you have a choice. On one hand, you could pay for the privilege of living the rest of your natural life as a zombie. On the other, you could just come here and read this list. Boom, you're cured. face it / let's face it = I'm trying to pass an anecdotal example as an interpretation key. Everything should henceforth be treated according to guidelines set by my silly irrelevant observation. Usage "Birth control should be outlawed because, face it, if everyone used birth control you wouldn't stand here today". "Let's face it, without the liberal movement there wouldn't be a rain forest left. We must increase funding for imaginary academic disciplines." I don't want to / I don't want to be the / I don't want to seem = I'm trying to avoid retribution for some shitty thing I'm going to be doing anyway. Usage "I don't want to be arrested, but could I have your wallet ?" "I don't want to be the freeloader, but could I have some detergent ?" "I don't want to seem disrespectful, but would you go fuck yourself already ?" I don't mean to = I would like for you to misconstrue the extent of my actions in such a way as for it to appear I'm not getting on your nerves. Usage "I don't mean to bother you, but would you watch my kids while I go out ?" "No" "I don't mean to be insistent, but would you watch my kids while I go out ?" [shotgun blast] So, what about those Mets = I'm brain damaged. Usage "So, what about those Mets" "The Terri Schiavo stand-in auditions are around the corner" ...but I have to say / but I must say = I am somehow going to arbitrarily disregard the foregoing on the basis of some fixed idea or unexamined dogmatic belief that I just have to share with you. Usage "You should meet my friend Jane" "Is she smart ?" "I don't know, but I have to say, she's a D cup at least" "You know, milk is a dollar a quart" just my two cents = Not only I don't fully understand what's being discussed, but I am also aware of it. Somehow, I still think I should offer opinion, and more importantly, I will fight ferociously with anyone that criticises my views. Usage "The twin towers didn't collapse because of impact with a plane because planes move faster than the buildings collapsed. The whole thing is a plot organised by little green men that were dormant on the Moon until the day Armstrong presumably landed there and disturbed them, although the whole thing was a lie, just a way for Kennedy to try and get re-elected, which is why he was shot, by the same people that brought the little green men down from the Moon and had them research ways to fake a plane-building collision live on TV, which is what it was because no black boxes were actually found, which are really orange. Just my two cents". "Here's another 8, I hear Walmart is doing a sale on clues" African American = black. Usage "Do you take your coffee African American or would you like some cream ?" "Are there any risks involved with cream ?" "Just a bit of foam." little people = children. Usage "You're not supposed to say midget, they prefer to be called little people" "What about blonde ? Can you say blonde or do they prefer to be called light people ?" personally, I don't see = I'm going to try and pass a judgment as personal preference. I've noticed people don't tend to challenge personal preference that much. This way, I avoid any flak and still maintain the illusion that I am contributing something to the discussion. Usage "I'm going to work out" "Personally, I don't see the point of working out" "Personally, you don't see your toes, either" institution = nuthouse Usage "I'd like to feel, as I prepare to leave Congress, that nationally I will be judged as having contributed significantly to the deliberations of the House and served the institution of the Congress with honor and in an exemplary manner." - Robert H. Michel who ate the last / who finished the = I ate the last / finished the Usage 4 hours of slurp chomp slurp chomp slurp. Then as the room mate steps in the door, "Hey, who ate the last chocolate chip cookies and finished the ice cream, fudge, cocoa liquor and toilet paper ?" "Must have been the dog, look at all the crumbs on the couch around where it usually sits" openly = has lots of sex to the point pants are no longer practical and hip dysplasia develops. Contrary to popular belief, "openly" is an adjective, like "shapely", not an adverb, like "courageously". Usage "Look at that woman ! What's with the crotchless stockings and no skirt ?" "O, that's Jane. She's an openly lesbian." it occurs to me = When I was a kid, my father had one of those pool tables that you need to insert a coin in to play. He kept it in the garage and used to beat me up with it. Eventually, the white ball release mechanism got permanently lodged in my skull, and now there's this 5 second delay and specific sound that precedes me getting an idea. Usage "It occurs to me you should have taken that exit." "Get the fuck outta my car." open with their sexuality = The person described masturbates every time they're alone and talks about masturbating every time they're in company. This would be in opposition with the traditional way, of thinking about sex when alone and having sex when in company. Usage "I met Bob's room mate. Alfredo. That guy is very open with his sexuality. Luckily that was before we had dinner, so I stayed the fuck away from the fettucine." keep a stiff upper lip = I would like to punch you in the face. Usage "I really need a break, I had fourteen customers so far, they all wanted blow jobs, it's getting brutal" "Well, keep a stiff upper lip" "Honey, I think you're doing it wrong" comfortable with their sexuality = The person described spends considerable time in fifty gallon containers containing ten gallons of boiling water and fifty five gallons of other people's cellulites. Usage "They were having a dike boiling party in Cambridge last week" "A what ?" "You know, they round up all the dykes pretend-teaching non-existent academic disciplines and put them in a pot of boiling water for a few hours" "Wow" "But wait, here's the best part : Bob fell in that." "I take it he must be comfortable with his sexuality ?" I'm only looking for a good time = I never had an orgasm in my life, and I've given up trying. Any sort of buzz will do. Usage "You are going to Retard-Con ?" "Yea" "But why?" "Oh, I'm only looking for a good time" looks aren't that important to me = That's because every night I turn into a werewolf with bald spots and a foul odour, except Wednesdays and Saturdays, when I turn into a stamp collecting acneic fifteen year old boy with glasses and hair patches on the chin. This is only said to people that somehow come short of shortcomings themselves. Usage "Can you give Bob my number ?" "Sure, but let me warn you, every night he turns into a werewolf with bald spots and a foul odour, except Wednesdays and Saturdays, when he turns into a stamp collecting acneic fifteen year old boy with glasses. "Any hair patches on the chin ?" "Nope" "Well, looks aren't that important to me." to be continued. maybe. Pharmaceutics sales shrunk by 1371 dollars as a result of this article, throwing the entire sector into colapse. |