Website Reviews II - House with Bride.

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Website Reviews II - House with Bride.

The Internet is a most useful tool for commerce, or so I'm told. In fact, before it could be used for commerce, it was used for research and practically nobody had heard of it. Nobody who was anybody I mean. Or moreover, not anybody who was being a TV nobody. At least at the time. Or something. Yeah.

Back in those days, it was filled with boring stuff about things like astronomical measurements and aerodynamic indexes and other such trivia. Until the day some irresponsible guy pointed a telescope at Venus and suddenly ARPA/DARPA was inundated with areolar circumference measurements, elasticity comparisons and hip to hip circumference exploration. Suddenly, the thing became commercially useful.

Which is probably the reason you even heard of the Internet anyway, and if it isn't, it's probably the reason it ever got so big that you'd hear of it. By now good people all over finally got around to replacing all the geek trivia with real wholesome content.

As they say, the rest is history, which brings us to the present day. People will try to sell anything, and strangely enough there always seems to be a buyer. Even for something as unlikely to be legally sold by it's owner as the state of Idaho.

Here is one of the billion sites trying to sell a product. Except this one is a bit different : House with a bride, it says.
Remarkably, this goes against anything and everything that makes sense on the Internet. Usually, you would try to use it to sell a product that is mass produced, easily transported and likely to be used and disposed of rather than kept around for the next time. It's the way it makes sense, much like pizza delivery. Nobody has pacemakers delivered with their pizza, mostly because the things require some expert handling to get them going, and also because once you get one you're stuck with it for a decade or two, which means you have the time to actually go sit in the hospital for a few days, if for no other reason then to make sure you only get one if you really need it.

And yet, miss Deborah decided to sell herself along with her house. Her idea would be something like, hey, these busy businessmen nowadays, they don't have the time to go look for a house and at the same time look for someone to barefootedly inhabit it. This way everybody wins, the guy gets a package to meet all his needs and so is in for massive economy of scale (what if the girl you pick doesn't like the couch and curtains of the house you pick ?) whereas Debbie gets someone who would be interested in such a deal. Usually they are called morons. Not only that, but her moron will be worth at least half a million, which she gets. What can a girl ask for more than a stupid husband with oodles of cash to spare ?

Except strangely enough, girls shooting for the pot of gold tend to bring a little more than Debbie to the table. Anna Nicole Smith sort of boobs and personality might be worth whatever she managed to run away with, but look at Debbie

Did that come off a crypt door ? Dimples might have been sexy at one time, but crevasses were never in fashion. On top of which, she admits to being born in 1957. What does that make it, 1940 ? 1799 ? Do you realize she was practically around when the boys came back home from WW2 ? What are you going to tell your friends at the bar, I just got married and I know where your grandpa has been ?

This then must be the most idiotic sales pitch I ever saw. Who comes up with shit like that ? Someone with a Communications Degree. Was it Herpes Communications or something ?

But let's give the girl a break, she's just doing this to "improve my social life and hopefully meet my soul mate". Everyone is entitled to try, right ? Why on earth would she then claim "It also goes without saying that I want to be with a man who is realistic about and committed to a relationship" ? It strikes me that under the circumstances, exotic traits like realism and commitment should indeed be very clearly written down and notarized if possible.

The topping of this muffin is "Since I am the daughter of a minister, spirituality is also important to me.". Let's sum it up, we have a 50 year old who regards realism and commitment as important, along with spirituality, and in an attempt to improve her social life decides to put herself for sale on the Internet.

Originally I had a few subjects I could pick from. The career police officer with strong family values that opens a meth lab in his garage. The Serial killer and practicing satanist planning to release a gospel rap album. The company planning to release for retail a set of disposable napkins made by recycling maxi pads (they figure they save on dye). A few others, but none quite like Deborah. Congrats hon, you've made it.

If you invite me for the wedding, I'll bring Darwin along.

Deborah was married -12 times.

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