Transcendental Interviews. Today Uberkid.

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Transcendental Interviews. Today Uberkid.

UberKid: alwight ilp peeps i is UberKid right ive been lookin the freads ere for a few minutes and reckon youll really like what i ave to say. cos like my mates are always sayin to me that i should be a fuckin fillosurfer cos im dead deep me. im 14 but dont be thinkin that im too young or anything cos its a free fuckin country innit i fink there4 im yeah.

Tab: Welcome to the forums UberKid. So - What made you interested in philosophy..?

UberKid: it wuz like ainshunt-history class wunnit - i got 56% on me last exam an all. it wuz all abart these daed greek blokes right oo just sat around all day finkin stuff.

Tab: Dead Greeks, hmmm..? Do tell.

UberKid: yeah right i knew i knew summin you ilp guys dint know right well yer see there wuz too groups right the epidurals oo were all gardeners an they just swanned about growin flowers and doin whutever they liked an then there wuz these other guys oo lived in barrels er the sto sumfins

Tab: The Stoics..?

UberKid: nah tab mate you got yer wires crossed intcha it wuz the epidurals and the stowaways anyway these stoaways right they like stowed away on these big ships an went all around the world tellin peoople there fillosurfy an thatz why the ellenic stuff dominated the world like. but the chines they jus followed some confused bloke so there fillosurfy nivver got anywhere narramean.

Tab: So, what are your philosophic influences..?

UberKid: yeah like im a nih-hill-ist innay cos like there aint nuffin thats like proovable its all meaninless innit when you fink about it like yeah i might not be here even narramean so your deffo not ere cos your a doofus and doofusses exist even less that normal people an stuff except the simpsons right cos there like really not real so they must be real cos like its all oppositz innit iffyagetme. so anyway i wuz at hmv right the ovver day nickin some cds right cos like all this moralliti crap is for lozers cos its all like meaninless innit yeah so anyway like i got some marylin manson down me baggies right cos ees daed cool cos ee wheres black like me cos like color dont exist right and you cant prove blacks a color cos its black narramena an this fukin copper comes an nicks me dont ee so i said to this copper right - you cant fukin nick me copper cos you dont exist see - an ee just larfed an gave me a clip roun me lughole dinnee bastad an then ee said - look kid, if yer keep on like this youll be doing time - an i larfed right in his pigface an said - time mate ??? - wassat then eh eh eh ?????????? ow old are ya anyway tab mate????????????

Tab: 37, for my sins.

UberKid: hahahahahahaha your as old as me dad tab you old bastad.

Tab: And you're just a snot-nosed kid. Nice mastery of the English language btw... Capitals..? Punctuation..? They just happen to other people right..?

UberKid: fuckoff Tabula thatz a real fuckin girly name for a bloke you a homo or summin ????????? no thatz cool if your though im not predyoudist or nuffin anyway you didnt even knoe about the stowaways i must be clever than you narramean anyway cant be bothered wiv punctuatoin all those dashs and dots slike the fuckin morse code mate i aint no fuckin boyscout i knows everyfin about philosurfy me go on then you old git ask me a question

Tab: Okay UberKid, tell me about monism... :evilfun:

UberKid: monoism ?????????? thatz olfashioned innit dont you know nuffin its all stereoism these days me dad had an old radio an that was mono but we got stereo now actually we got a big telly wiv 5 speakers an a woofer its like hexaism or summin

Tab: I stand corrected - you are indeed a master of metaphysics - so tell me mini-mensche - What about social issues - You got any words of wisdom..?

UberKid: i knoe everyfin about society me i fuckin live in one dont i its like divorce right when i wuz 10 i wuz the only kid in my school oos mum and dad were still together right an all the kids used to take the piss outta me so i used to imagine that me mum an dad would split up right like so i could be cool like them then they did right split up like an i felt dead guilty cos it wuz like i made them do it narramean then i started finkin that maybe i did an that they wuz only like imaginary people in me ed i tol my teacher an he larfed an said i waz a solipissed but thats bollux cos i dont drink then i looked it up an it waz solipsist but i thought that waz bollux to cos i looked at me ed in the mirror an no way wuz it big enough to get all those people in there unless they wuz reelly raelly little or summin

Tab: Philosophy, social science... What about ethics..? Morality..? ...God..?

UberKid: effiks and stuff is easy innit you just do some stuff and grownups will tell you if its bad like an they might send you to ya room like an thatz like hell must be yeah like sittin in yer room wiv no telly an no playstation for ever an ever which means god is like your mum but actually mr higgins tells me what to do at school so hes like god too which means god is me mum and mr higgins which means god is a hermafrodyke like that time i saw on nigels dads video that wuz disgustin so i fink religions disgustin too cos its like porn an how can god be powerful if he didnt save porr jesus on that cross huh even my dad saved me frum drownin once so i think there is no god so im an acrostic innit

Tab: I am truly converted. So how about psychology then - surely you must have a fairly good grounding in that too..?

UberKid: yeah im dead good at psychology me its like those cerealkillers innit there all fuckin mad they are i was watchin southpark on the telly round at my mate tims and its graet cos theyre all jus kids but they do all grownup stuff and its a metty4 or summfin so anywya ther wuz this kid right in a wheelchair right beatin the crap out of sum other kid oo couldnt walk proper and that wuz because there mums didnt pay attention to them right so i think that if all mums just loved ther kids there wouldnt be so many series killers walkin around

Tab: Well, fuck me if that isn't all the major forums covered, it seems like ILP has just aquired another true all-rounder... So UberKid - You got any theories to share..? We need all the help we can get with these serious philosophical issues, the ideas of a 14 year old might just be exactly what we need to solve the mysteries of time and space...

UberKid: i jus got 1 feory but its a good 1 yeah listen i fink that the univeerse is really jus a video game right and we're all butterflys dreamin that were human beens an when we wake up therell be all these computers around runnin stuff its obvius innit cos theres these spiders right - spiders=spys - you get it and bugs an stuff too you jus gotta open yer eyes dontcha...

Tab: Well, thanks for telling me all about philosophy UberKid, despite your youth you are obviously beyond your years in wisdom. Anyway - Do you mind if I teach you how to dance now..? I can Cha-Cha with the best of them you know...

UberKid: fuck off grandad your too old to teach me anyfin about dancin intcha.

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