Transcedental Interviews. Today, Satan Himself.

The Old Bat
Takes a Swing At

ASYLUM
The Great American Novel

SERVAGE
The Definitive Webhost.

ROMANIA
Why Donate Blood ? Visit Dracula Castle.

MEXICO
Even the Boring is Lively.

TURKEY
Bosphorus, the Water between Three Continents

EGYPT
Follow the Golden Path.

Forex Trading
The Dollar supports you. Do you support it ?

COSTA RICA
Other People are Having Fun. Why miss out ?

ROMANIA
A Strange Country

Advertise here

Transcedental Interviews. Today, Satan Himself.

Me : Hello. So pleased you could make it.
SH : Oh, hi, glad to be here.

Me : Let's clarify some things. What is your name ?
SH : Many have called me many ways.

Me : How many ?
SH : A bit over six hundred, I think.

Me : Care to give some examples ?
SH : Well, sure. Abaddon, Apollyon, Beelzebub, Belial, Bush, Lucifer...

Me : Bush ? As in the burning bush ?
SH : No, as in George.

Me : People call you that ?
SH : Yes, they do.

Me : Oh, you poor thing. That's really uncalled for.
SH : Yes, after all I never go around pretending I only mean well, and when was the last time you heard me say “peace and diplomacy” ?

Me : Right you are... so, what do you do for fun then ?
SH : Oh, many things. For instance I design.

Me : You do ? What ?
SH : All sorts of things really. Ever heard of Windows ?

Me : You mean for buildings ?
SH : No, no. Its a sort of a bug collection. Sort of like a reservation, you know ? Like they have in the rain forest some places ? You can find there bugs that are long extinct anywhere else, you can even find many that nobody ever seen before, and don't even have a name or a classification or anything.

Me : That sounds like a wholesome activity. Isn't it boring ?
SH : Certainly not, I remember one time twelve people spent an entire weekend, trying to spot a bug that made the thing crash. No breaks, just coffee. By the end of it they had faces two yards long, and eyes the size of billiard balls.

Me : Well, did they find it eventually ?
SH : Like hell, it was a single character bugger, they read it maybe sixty times, didn't help them any. Eventually their boss tried to show the thing off on television and it crashed right there. Was a world of fun.

Me : I see... that sure is enough to keep one busy
SH : Oh, but not even by far. I design lots of things. For instance, I invented the nail with an inclined head.

Me : What's that good for ?
SH : You hammer your finger.

Me : That's got to hurt.
SH : Five people every minute don't notice they are using one of my patented nails and hammer their fingers. Makes for an interesting show. I also came up with multi column layouts for web pages. Newspapers long ago needed it because print technology was really sucky, and never got rid of it for fear people cant read normal text... and now they get it in web pages too, so they have to keep scrolling up and down and get carpal syndrome.

Me : Iiiinteresting...
SH : I also came up with heat and touch activated controls on elevators, they are lovely, especially for blind people. Also braille on drive-ups. Go figure, they are going to be driving but can't read the buttons. And do you remember that Chevy you had to pull the whole engine out to change a spark plug ?

Me : You did that one ?!
SH : Sure. And the phone menu's which make you push phone buttons while listening to the menu. They are great for cellphones. Also, did you ever wonder why hot dogs come in packs of 10, while buns in packs of 8 ? And beers in packs of 6 ? And did you notice how ashtrays in cars are really right under the air vents ?

Me : Aren't you the little helper.
SH : Oh, but I do a lot more than that. Ever found a parking spot ? Ever noticed how in all theaters shitty films have the quiet audience, and good films are a cough fest and screaming competition ? Did you ever take a short cut ? Have you ever gotten a raise that was bigger than the rent increase ?

Me : I see, you are the thing that keeps the earth moving.
SH : Certainly.

Me : So, what do you think about the war in Iraq ?
SH : Oh, I think it's great.

Me : Really ? Why ?
SH : Well, look at things for a second. The US is roughly quarter billion strong, and they have all the expensive weapons right ? Each day of bombardment costs millions. And each day of operations costs tens of millions. Whereas the Arabs are close to two billion, and worth shit. If you sold the entire property that is being bombed you could not get a tenth of the cost of bombing it. It would be more efficient to buy it all and then demolish it with civil engineers. Further,

Me : I guess... but what about all the oil ?
SH : What about it ? Two years later the oil production is still under what they were making illegally, during an embargo.

Me : Well, yes, but it has accomplished some things.
SH : It surely has. Iran has never been this hard-line fundamentalist, hostile sentiments towards the US have never been this marked, in the middle east or in Europe or anywhere else, and that in spite of the way things started out right after the WTC bombing, US was never that popular in it's entire history. And the US was never this broke in it's history either.

Me : They've always been broke.
SH : Well, yes, but usually there was at least some vaguely reasonable hope they might be able to pay, at least some of the debt, at some point.

Me : Yes, but the terrorists...
SH : Oh, please, who ? Lyndie English ?

Me : No, Osama and the lot.
SH : You know, that there's no proof that Saddam had any sort of weapons of mass destruction is one thing. That there's no proof that Osama is a terrorist is another. The only difference between the two is that people found out the former already, but not yet the latter.

Me : Why is he hiding then ?
SH : How do you know he is hiding ? You saw it ?

Me : Well then, why you say the war is great ?
SH : Think about it for a second. All the havoc that's going to come out of the “leader's” inability to lead a camel to water. We're in for a fun decade, I am sure.

Me : Alright, what do you think about my site ?
SH : I think it blows.

Me : Really ? Why ?
SH : Well, for one, you got the pentagram upside down. For another, you don't have enough pictures. There were a few pretty cool ones, but not lately...

Me : Ok, so I'm gonna add some pictures. What you think about my pope interview ?
SH : Oh, that was a horrible idea. There was shit on my chair cause of it.

Me : What about the most holy catholic church ?
SH : Oh, my favorite thing.

Me : Really ? How come, aren't they foiling all your plans and stuff ?
SH : No, see, god ruled long ago I can only have sex with any kids priests fuck. It was something like this, I kept begging and begging to be allowed to rape children, especially infants. It's fun. And god eventually said “Only if a priest did it first”. Back then, it was really unlikely, and i have been starved for centuries. But nowadays, it's getting ridiculous, I might need medication, no way to keep the pace.

Me : They are actually helping ?
SH : They would be helping if they knew what the hell they're doing.

Me : Very interesting things, say, would you allow us to come and visit your pad and such ?
SH : It would be my pleasure.
Me : That sounds a bit frightening, but we will be back. I think.

12 people enjoy talking to the devil.

Comment

this page was made using a bent spoon. anything else is for failures