Transcendental Interviews. Today, the prophet Muhammad himself.

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Transcendental Interviews. Today, the prophet Muhammad himself.

ME : Hello, how are you enjoying the after life ?
pM : It's boring.

ME : It would be, everything gets boring after a while. So, did you hear about all the Muslims down there ?
pM : What now ?

ME : Someone made a few cartoons of you and had them printed in newspapers.
pM : Cartoons ? Newspapers ? We have no such things in the faith.

ME : You don't, but the rest of the world does, and they did it.
pM : Ghiaur pigs. They shall burn for all eternity.

ME : Where ?
pM : In Hell !

ME : Look, you've seen how eternity is furnished, there's nowhere to burn a twig.
pM : The Koran says they shall burn, they shall burn.

ME : Mayhap the Koran is wrong ?
pM : (frothing at the mouth) The Koran is the absolute truth coming from God Allah himself.

ME : He has a different story.
pM : Lies ! Lies !

ME : Uhh.. sure. How come you aren't in charge of paradise then ?
pM : (screaming loudly) Lies and deceptions !

ME : Relax man. My hearing is fine. Besides, you are accentuating your speech impediment, and at this rate I won't have an article.
pM : The true faithfull belive the Koran.

ME : You know, as far as inventing religions go, your chess buddy Hubbard was alot better.
pM : What do you mean better ? He has no naked virgins waiting in paradise for the marthyrs.

ME : Which makes his religion alot more marketable to women, which are alot more inclined to be suckered into religion than men. Hubbard 1 Muhammad 0.
pM : He has no vertical integration of all the other faiths. Jesus was a prophet you know ?

ME : True, but he has all that billion year story and Xenu and people being flown across space in 1950's airplanes. Hubbard 2 Muhammad 0.
pM : But he doesn't have the holy succession, and no absconded last caliph.

ME : Right, but he has that midget David whats-his-name. He's almost absconded, unless he stands on a chair or something.
pM : He doesn't have a billion faithfull the world over.

ME : And thank God for that, but the thing is, you don't have either.
pM : What do you mean ?! That's nonsense.

ME : No it's not. You can't find two "faithfull" who can agree on any given issue of faith. You are stuck using "interpreters", and obviously those can't agree on any given issue of the faith either, it's just that there being fewer people screaming it makes for a more quaint facade. The only real solution to keeping Islam within any appearances of unity is to keep people from ever discussing any of it.
pM : Faith is not to be discussed anyway.

ME : Right, but if it's not discussed it's not the same.
pM : How do you mean ?

ME : I mean, for any imaginary cultural context, such as religion, to be a shared experience, it needs to be communicated. Otherwise it remains distinct in the minds of each individual participating.
pM : It is communicated, by God, through the prophet, to each individual involved. Thus it is shared and identical.

ME : You wish.
pM : It is so.

ME : If it is so, what do the words sunni and shi'ite mean ?
pM : They are the two main...

ME : (interrupts) Mhmmm.
pM : What ?

ME : Why are there two main ? Shouldn't there be one main ?
pM : Well no, because...

ME : Bullshit. You know just as well as we all do that the day your faithfull begin discussing their faith among themselves is the last day of it. The next day it shatters into one million little pieces, and probably never recovers.
pM : We must keep that from happening at all costs !

ME : The costs you can't afford to pay. The Danish people don't give a shit, quite frankly. The rest of Europe marginally more, which isn't much. You have successfully fucked up any possible peacefull relations with the Americans for the next couple centuries, the Jews never could stand you to begin with, and all over this the press is even less interested in helping out than politicians. Basically, if your world shatters to a million pieces tomorrow nobody will care, and as you don't make any sense to most of them anyway, nobody will likely notice either.
pM : This is sad.

ME : Not really. I don't care either.
pM : But we are doomed. One thousand years ago, we saved your classical books. We did. Nobody else. You know about Aristotle because we kept it safe for centuries. You know where algebra comes from ? or algorithm ? or chemistry ? You know how the unwashed European hordes ever found out there is such a thing as 0 ? Do you ? An arab was the first one to deploy cannons in battle, do you know that ? Metal working was an arab trademark for hundreds of years. We kept a good chunk of the world safe and prosperous while Europe was busy burning witches. We saved your precious European heritage in spite of how utterly idiotic you were being at the time, or should I say regardless. We did it because it was right, it was true, because it was valuable, in itself and by itself, regardless what idiots you turned out to be. And now, in our hour of need, who is going to save us ?

ME : Probably nobody.
pM : There are one thousand years piled one on top of the other, like rings in a tree, in the paintings, in the pottery, in the manuscripts, all the collected art and artefacts of one thousand years. Can you say there is nothing of value in it ? Should it be all crushed and melted ? Shall we burn the books and be rid of them ? It takes a thousand years to have a thousand rings. You can't rush it. And if you lose it, you start over. That's how it was ever since. Can you afford to lose a thousand years ?

ME : But it's mostly the record of stupid mistakes made by stupid people.
pM : So ? There are no kinds of mistakes. All of them are stupid. In retrospect. A luxury you enjoy because stupid people expended their time and energy to establish precisely how stupid the stupid mistakes are. Do you want to start over ?

ME : But you are stuck ! You can't get over it !
pM : You were stuck too, at some point. At some point the Khan was beseiging Budapest, remember that ? Europe was saved by the fact it was so utterly insignificant the heirs couldn't be bothered with it. Sheer luck. The normans conquered England did they not ? And then a bit later the French king couldn't even find a place to be crowned in, and England was all the way over the Seine. And the Spanyards owned an empire on which the Sun never set, at some point, and the Germans seemed about ready to take over, at some point. Everybody was stuck, at some point. Everybody was about to take over, at some point. We are stuck now.

ME : You are not in Europe.
pM : Why not ?

ME : Because you are stuck, I guess.
pM : The Muslim world helped Europe unstick itself at a time it seemed beyond helping. Europe owes an unsticking.

ME : I guess so. How the heck is that done ?
pM : I don't know ! We are STUCK ! Help !

12 muslims are starting to get it so far.

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