Transcendental Interviews. Today, Howard Stern.

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Transcendental Interviews. Today, Howard Stern.

HS : Hello ?
Me : Shut up ! Sit down !

HS : D...daddy ?!
Me : Just kidding. How goes it ?

HS : Great !
Me : So what is it Howie, agnostic or atheist?

HS : Define agnostic please.
Me : Someone who thinks that while it is possible a superior being exists, it's impossible to find out for sure, or even discuss it meaningfully.

HS : I don't want to answer.
Me : Why?

HS : I know intellectually there is no God. But in case that there is, I don't want to piss him off by saying that. If you watch that tape of that guy getting his head cut off, there's no way there could be a God. No God could allow that. If I was God I would say, "Listen, I can't allow this. I'm going to stop it." Just as his head was about to be cut off I would break the Arab's arms. If God is compassionate, he would never allow it.
Me : It's not your intellect that serves you best, right ?

HS : I guess not. So why the hell did you let the guy get his head cut off !
Me : Who gives a fuck.

HS : No, but you can't be God then. God is compassionate. You can't be God.
Me : See, that right here is why the US are going to the dogs.

HS : What ?
Me : Okay, think about a kid speaking of his parents. "These can't be parents. Parents get you wicked sneakers and an ipod and a car for your 16th birthday. These folks didn't so they can't be parents." Get the fuck off with your sense of entitlement.

HS : But I mean everybody knows, God is love and compassionate and stuff.
ME : Everybody who ?

HS : I dunno, everybody, people.
ME : Mhmm.

HS : What's that in your hand ?
Me : Oh, this ? Well, it's a box.

HS : What are you doing with it ?
Me : I'm watching it. You see, theres a Playbug centipede in there, and it's doing a strip act.

HS : Wow, lemme look.
Me : No, you can't look, but you can listen to me talking about it if you want.

HS : That sounds like a drag.
Me : O really ? Tell you what. You wanna hear about the Playbug, you fork over $12 for a subscription.

HS : You have got to be kidding.
Me : Pay up, ugly.

HS : (hands over a crumpled $10 and a couple 1's) There.
Me : The hell you got this ? Stole it from some crack whore ?

HS : Yes, actually, hysterical bitch tried to stash it up her cunt.
Me : Fair enough. Here goes : The centipede it's taking off it's boots. Knee high red latex boots with some unbelievable heels.

HS : Okay.
Me : The centipede is taking off the next pair of red latex boots with unbelievable heels.

HS : Mmmm
Me : The centipede is taking off another pair of red latex boots with unbelievable heels.

HS : Uhhhh mmmm
Me : The centipede is taking off yet another pair of red latex boots with unbelievable heels.

HS : Uhh Uh UUUUh OOOOOhh
Me : The fuck you doing ?!

HS : Exactly.
Me : With my props ?! For crying out loud. Want the centipede ?

HS : Sure.
Me : You sick fuck.

HS : You are starting to sound like my wife.
Me : Yea, how about Alison ?

HS : Some people perceive it as "Oh, you're the big shot on the radio who just wanted to go off..." But we had gotten to the point where we were not seeing eye to eye on a bunch of things. So we tried for a long time to see eye to eye and it just wasn't working. We both weren't happy. But I don't know if anybody used the word "divorce." I'm sure somebody brought it up. We were in marriage counseling and all that. I just don't remember who brought it up.
Me : Seriously ?

HS : No. Alison was a cheating slut whore. On top of which she's fucking ugly. Have you seen her ? I have met transvestites that looked more like a woman.
Me : So is that why you got divorced ?

HS : No ! I was just saying. She's been a stay-at-home mom for decades, yet she never cooked ! You fucking believe the shit ? Like once in 3 years or something, she'd "give it a shot" as she said, and then we'd need a new dog. I don't know, it must have been based on some weird bug's reproduction cycles or something. And forget about dishes or anything.
Me : Whydja marry her then ?

HS : Who the fuck cares about dishes ? I am a person married to my career. I'm a workaholic. I have a love hate relationship with my work. People take a second place role in my life.
Me : Still, she got half the pie.

HS : You should have seen the NDA she signed on her way out. 394 pages. Small print. Had to give her something to get her to sign. Besides, peanuts. The Sirius deal is worth twenty times what she got.
Me : Right, what's the deal with the Sirius deal, did they really agree to give you 32 million stocks if you get enough people signed up ?

HS : Yea.
Me : How many people was that ?

HS : The deal was 5 million activated units by January the 15th.
Me : It didn't work, did it ?

HS : Nope. I could say that my fans cost me half a billion dollars. What other personality out there can say that ? Everybody makes money cause of their fans. I just lost a fucking fortune. King of the Media.
Me : It seems like an insane deal, who would pay 100 dollars per new subscriber as a premium ?

HS : Wasn't dollars, was stock, I was locked in for five years. They meant it as a sort of swim or sink strategy.
Me : They must be pretty desperate.

HS : They are. Back before, when they had a couple hundred thousand people, they were bleeding money at every turn. Had maybe 6 months left of bankroll. Maybe 3.
Me : Makes sense then. So, you gonna retire ?

HS : No way.
Me : Are you gonna die ?

HS : Not if I can help it.
Me : Are you afraid of death ?

HS : Yes. I don't like being 50 and I don't like thinking about death. I can't imagine a world without me. The poor people. I can't imagine that this is the end of the world for Howard Stern. I mean, I'm so wonderful. If there was a God how could he let me die? The world needs me.
Me : What for ?

HS : I am a champion of free speech. My free speech. It doesn't matter, as long as I win, and you know what? I win.
Me : You realise nobody gives a shit, right ?

HS : Yeah. I don't think I'll be remembered all that much. I got my first glimpse of that when I was fired from NBC. Literally after two weeks I was mostly forgotten. If I went on TV people would remember me, but to tell you the truth I do not think I'll be remembered.
Me : That's right.

HS : I don't think I've ever really been recognized for the impact that I've had on the entertainment community. I have always been disrespected my entire career. Marvin Kittman wrote an article when I first started being syndicated into Los Angeles. In the article he said, "I believe when Howard Stern starts broadcasting into L.A., the entire industry will change." He spelled it out. And the entire industry changed. The way people speak on TV, the way people do talk shows, the way people do sitcoms, the language... everything. I would even dare say that the reality television craze that we now see was brought on by this show. American Idol itself is a show I did in 1980! I've influenced an entire generation of people who are now in the television industry. I probably am the single most important factor in modern entertainment today.
Me : Ehh, put a sock in it. What's next, some kid that was born in 1950 is gonna claim he's "influenced" the world into doing the space program ? You just lived alongside real events, much like five fucking billion other suckers. What makes you special ?

HS : But you don't understand. I'm Howard Stern.
Me : This is the most amusing thing I ever heard, at least from you. You mean to tell me that your person must be the most important factor at play in nature, because inside your own head, your person is the most important factor at play ?

HS : Exactly !
Me : That is a four year old's outlook.

HS : Doesn't make it mistaken.
Me : I can't believe how much you have been missing out on all these years. Anyway, do you think people will ever come to their senses and give you the recognition you so patently deserve ?

HS : No. Are you kidding me? I'm so despised and so envied. Don Hewitt and Bill Cosby- and other people who are power brokers in the industry-discount what I am. Even in their defense of me against the FCC, they all say one thing. They all say, they hate my show and they hate me and they say I have no talent. But they defend my right to free speech. That's how history books will remember me. I am Tiger Woods, Mickey Mantle and JFK all rolled into one. But I never will be given the credit.
Me : Is that a fact. How are you going to die then ?

HS : Probably a meteorite. One big enough to like crack the earth in two or something.
Me : My money says aneurysm. See you later.

18 people actually moved over to Sirius.

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