Transcendental Interviews. Today, Abraham Lincoln.

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Transcendental Interviews. Today, Abraham Lincoln.

AL : Hello.
Me : Fungus from the corrupt womb of bigotry and fanaticism and a worse tyrant and more inhuman butcher than has existed since the days of Nero ?

AL : I wouldn't go that far.
Me : So let's go slow. Did you vastly understate the extent of your abolitionism views in the presidential campaign so that you may be elected ?

AL : My dear boy. It's called politics for a reason, as everybody knows. Why don't you ask George Bush if he vastly understated his intentions to start a war with Iraq. I don't recall that ever being mentioned in the "debates" either.
Me : Keeping up with the state of the union, I see. So why didn't you say a peep ?

AL : I can not say a lie, and that's difficult enough. You want me to start telling the truth too ?
Me : Sure, why not. What's the problem with it.

AL : If you want to be elected President, there's plenty of problems with it. Chief among them, that you'll never be elected. You like Mencken right ? "The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth."
Me : But why would you want to be elected President necessarily.

AL : That, obviously, is to each for his own reasons. But it would have made Pop real proud.
Me : O, you had a father ?

AL : Certainly I had a father ! What sort of absurd question is that.
Me : Well you see, had you never mentioned the man, most likely it wouldn't have ever occured to me he existed. Did he have a name ?

AL : Herring !
Me : O god, laugh break please. But anyway, why are you so excited ? So there was a Herring the labourer or farmer or ditch digger somewhere in Ohio or Pensilvanya or Bangalore. Why should I give a shit ?

AL : But he was my father !
Me : No, seriously. So ? What sort of absurdity is this. It's no achievement of the father and it's certainly no responsibility of the father, the stuff his frenzied offspring come up with. Especially not after eighteen or so years of age. I know I'd be pretty pissed off if some schmuck set the world on fire to fucking impress me, post mortem.

AL : Nevertheless.
Me : Okay, so you didn't tell a lie, or the truth, in your bid for turning the Office of the President into a sort of 1850 version of American Idol, where trailer park dwellers can gape in amazement at the incredible accomplishments of their otherwise destitute neighbours's children. Fine. Why did you instigate war ?

AL : It was for the greater good, and for moral principles and...
Me : No, but see, that's where the scorcing of your beard comes from. It's clearly said, instigating war, especially between brothers, brings you eternal brimstone and such. There's no clause there going "except in cases of greater good and moral principles", and especially not if both those are of your own invention.

AL : I know.
Me : A bit too late, by now, is it ?

AL : The problem still remains. What would you do ? You're not saying slavery is well and just, are you ?
Me : Not more, and not less that anything else under the sun. Famine is not well and just, I suppose, and neither is growing up dreaming of impressing some brute or other. People should, in principle, get a shot at the finer things in life. As a rule, people don't.

AL : And then, they should do something about it. And they should be helped do something about it. Just wallowing in your sufferances is what being a brute really means, and people, all people, should be spared it.
Me : You are confused. Descartes has solved the suffering problem for us. If the goal of government were to end the suffering of people, that would be easily accomplished by just killing off everyone. Let me add that every problem that is a subset of the strong "end suffering" problem will always have a solution that is a subset of the strong "kill everyone". You can not from the outside end any suffering, real or perceived, without killing people. And thus, any sort of "ending suffering" can not be a legitimate goal of government.

AL : So what, nothing can be done about any of it ?
Me : Plenty can be done about it. But not by you. It has to be done by them.

AL : But what if the laws are unjust ? Shouldn't we fix the laws ?
Me : Sure.

AL : So then, forget the suffering talk. We just fixed the laws, that's all we did.
Me : You fixed them real good, if memory serves. Like you fixed habeas corpus, right ?

AL : That was out of dire necessity.
Me : Dire necessity that your pin-shaped head created in the first place. Sure the laws should be fixed. But they should be fixed the way laws are fixed, not the way oxcarts are mended. You don't just take an ax at the laws to "fix em".

AL : What do you mean my pin shaped head created it ? I didn't come up with slavery .
Me : No, you just came up by surprise. People were more or less in agreement slavery is a bad idea, and I'm not talking about the slaves, the owners were more or less in agreement it's a bad idea. Put them in a very delicate position, at the time, because the work still had to be done. What they did not need, actually, the absolute last thing they needed right in the middle of that crisis was someone to come break the Constitution for them. That made an ample mess, because if your child is sick and now the roof catches on fire, you're going to drop the kid and tend the roof. A very stupid way for someone to help your sick child, by setting your roof on fire, wouldn't you say ?

AL : What else could I have done ?
Me : You could have very well minded your own bussiness, no ? Upheld the Constitution, as you swore to do, instead of some obscure moral judgements that not only you didn't swear to, you didn't even have the compunction to expose. How morally sound is something going to be, that you shy from displaying to people ?

AL : But nobody would have understood !
Me : Which is why you were called a tyrant, and killed as a tyrant. What people wouldn't have understood is best not done to them. Had you done what you represented, and then promised to do, namely, mind your own business, slavery would have been abolished, not on the same day, but not much later, all the stuff burnt in the war would have been still around for people to use, or if not all at least a tree between Memphis and the sea to hang yourself from, if the mood suddenly struck. And more importantly, there would have still been a functioning Constitution.

AL : What does that mean ?
Me : See, you started it all. The notion that the federal government matters internally, which is something all the originators did not want, and refused quite explicitly. The federal government was intended strictly for dealing with other countries, and if it was allowed an army, that was also strictly to be used outside. It took a while to trace the shit to you, but it's pretty clear. You started it all.

AL : That's modernization.
Me : No, it's not exactly "modernization" in any other sense than because it happened afterwards. Apples may rot, and by the same measure that's "modernization" . Would you like some modernized apples ?

AL : No, but...
Me : No buts, Abe. You fucked up. The design was intended, and worked well, for strong states with stronger people, and a weak federal government. Personal responsability and preservation of rights. Limited government powers. And it brought the country from absolute obscurity, au par with Venezuela, to the forefront of the Western world. Then you and a few other idiots that I'll be talking with shortly came along, and fucked it all up. You're the deep reason for all the warning labels, and for people sueing MacDonalds for getting hot coffee. You're the deep reason for the most subtle, yet the most pernicious side to the rot that brought America down. You started with a country of slaves and slave owners and made everybody into slaves.

AL : I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Honest. It's just... I didn't want to do it, but Chase made me. And Stanton. They pushed me on. I...

14 highschool educated citizens are appaled at the mere suggestion.

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