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News that Matter. Osama bin Laden Captured.
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Romanian law enforcement officials reported earlier today that one, Osama bin Laden was arrested by a road patrol in the township of Catalau, south west of Cluj.
"While performing routine traffic surveillance, agents of the 3rd Traffic Police Unit opperating on route E 69 encountered a vehicle moving at 95 Mph in a 55 Mph zone. The driver ignored the agent's signal to stop, and ran through 3 barricades before finally crashing into a hay pile, where he was apprehended," Police Comissioner Iancu Jianu said. "As the paramedics opened the crashed car, the driver emerged in a beligerent state, and attacked them while yelling "Jihad!" and other obscenities. Luckily, the Traffic Police Cadet Adrian Nastase, who was at the time skipping a class on dealing with dangerous and emergent situations at the Traffic Police Academy, was hidden next to the same haysack, smoking. He was able to heroicly overpower and subdue the aggressive driver by use of a fork handle that he found at the scene.", the official added.
A mother of family, and cumulatively innocent bystander, accidentally discovered the driving license, under a small pile of hay, no doubt formed out of the main pile of hay as a result of the crashing. The document, reproduced below, unequivocally identifies the driver as Osama bin Laden. The license has apparently been issued by the Registry of Motor Vehicles of the District of Columbia last year, but officials from that Office were not available for comment. However, the Romanian authorities claim the International Registry Verification Computer Program (IRVCP) confirmed the authenticity of the document. A source close to the office said"It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest", under condition of anonimity. "We've had worse cases over the years", he or she added.
Osama bin Laden is held without bail awaiting his trial for hay disturbation, biting a paramedic while avoiding a police cadet and swinging at a police cadet while screaming at a paramedic. If convicted on all counts, he could receive a sentence as high as four feet, which he would then probably serve in the Minimalistic Security Prison for Odd Delicts, which essentially consists of a daily program of going to public parks and other reunion places and pretending you are locked in a cell, while making no sound.
United States autorities have started extradition procedures, but unfortunately, according to Romanian law, extradition is only possible after the person in question has served all the sentences imposed by the Romanian courts, which would reasonably put the extradition horizon in the 2010-2020 decade.
"We are very frustrated", US Secretary Condoleances Rice said. "First, the president refused to play house, then I offered him cigars and he told me to shove them myself, and now the pesky Romanians won't release bin Laden. It's enough to make one cry.". Dick's Cheney Office did not return a call, possibly because it was placed from his secret lover's house at a time Mrs Cheney was in.
The House Majority Leader is expected to give a speech tomorrow, detailing his support for the administration that not only ended the war in Iraq and Afganistan, but also started it, and furthermore, managed to apprehend the most wanted terrorist of all times, in spite of media reports to the contrary.
Meanwhile, Romanian Entrepreneurs are considering the possibility of turning the bin Laden Prison Mime into a world entertaining tour and a box office hit, with ticket prices tentatively set at 100$ and over. "Even after TicketMaster takes its 99.5%, there will still be plenty of money left", one of the businessmen said.
Saddam Hussein was reportedly delighted at hearing the news of his associate in evil deeds and WMD stockpiling being apprehended. "They should stick a pool cue up the communist's ass", he might have said.
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